Difference between revisions of "Assertive Speech"

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Assertive speech is a style of communication in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem and is a primary tool for effective communication in relationships when coupled with respecting the rights of others.
 
Assertive speech is a style of communication in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem and is a primary tool for effective communication in relationships when coupled with respecting the rights of others.
  
It is noted that assertive speech is a tool that is exceptionally useful to both [[d-types]] and [[s-types]].
+
It is noted that assertive speech is a tool that is exceptionally useful to both [[d-types]] and [[s-types]] and is a foundational skill for healthy [[relationships]].
  
== Benefits of Regularly Using Assertive Speech and Behaviors ==
+
== Benefits of Assertive Speech ==
  
Reduces anxiety and stress often caused by misunderstandings and conflicts.
+
* Reduces anxiety and stress often caused by misunderstandings and conflicts.
Allows you to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and effectively.
+
* Allows you to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and effectively.
Self-esteem and self-confidence is enhanced and you have better control over your own life.
+
* Self-esteem and self-confidence is enhanced and you have better control over your own life.
Others have more respect for your ideas and opinions by knowing where you stand.
+
* Others have more respect for your ideas and opinions by knowing where you stand.
Relationships with others are greatly improved by disagreeing without being hostile.
+
* Relationships with others are greatly improved by disagreeing without being hostile.
Having the ability to say “no” when you mean “no” without feeling self-conscious.
+
* Having the ability to say “no” when you mean “no” without feeling self-conscious.
Motivates others to clearly state their own opinions and ideas.
+
* Motivates others to clearly state their own opinions and ideas.
Allows you to ask for help when needed without fear and stress.
+
* Allows you to ask for help when needed without fear and stress.
 +
* Increases a feeling of connectedness to others.
 +
* Enables one to mature because you address issues and problems as they arise.
 +
* Creates a respectful environment for others to grow and mature as well.
  
- state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
+
== Ideals of Assertive Speech ==
- express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
+
- use “I” statements
+
- communicate respect for others
+
- listen well without interrupting
+
- feel in control of self
+
- have good eye contact
+
- speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
+
- have a relaxed body posture
+
- feel connected to others
+
- feel competent and in control
+
- not allow others to abuse or manipulate them
+
- stand up for their rights
+
  
The impact of a pattern of assertive communication is that these individuals:
+
* “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”
 +
* “I am confident about who I am.”
 +
* “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”
 +
* “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”
 +
* “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”
 +
* “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.”
 +
* “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner.”
 +
* “I respect the rights of others.”
 +
* “Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to give it to me.”
 +
* “I’m responsible for my own happiness.”
  
- feel connected to others
+
== Prerequisite Training ==
- feel in control of their lives
+
- are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise
+
- create a respectful environment for others to grow and mature
+
  
The assertive communicator will say, believe, or behave in a way that says:
+
=== Assumptions of Assertive Speech ===
  
- “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”
+
* Productive communication and positive assertiveness create good relationships.  
- “I am confident about who I am.”
+
- “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”
+
- “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”
+
- “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”
+
- “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.”
+
- “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner.”
+
- “I respect the rights of others.”
+
- “Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to give it to me.”
+
- “I’m 100% responsible for my own happiness.
+
  
1Use the word I. Avoid using You, as this stops you from allowing control of the listener. Using omniscience removes control of the speaker, you, because "You" is only used to express indecisiveness.
+
* Allowing others to manipulate your behavior sacrifices your self-respect and sense of personal responsibility.
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 2.jpg
+
2Maintain eye contact. You should be staring at your listeners' eyes when speaking. Averting your eyes constantly or having no eye contact altogether will show timidness or discomfort.
+
Eye contact should not be a 'staring contest'. Breaking eye contact during unimportant parts during a conversation presents a natural environment with you and your listener. Staring without natural break in the eye contact may be interpreted as hostility.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 3.jpg
+
3Have a good posture. Think of yourself stretching from your head to your toes, sitting or standing. Pay attention to the neck, shoulder and upper back regions. Keep your back upright and your shoulder pushed back naturally. You should not be tense, but you should be mindful of your body and its composure.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 4.jpg
+
4Express body language. Make gestures that give a sense of warmth and openness on your behalf—open palms, circular arm movements, smiles, wrinkles of the nose, hugs, etc.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 5.jpg
+
5Avoid ambiguity. Explain yourself thoroughly and try not to create obscure responses.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 6.jpg
+
6Remember that silence is a tool, not an enemy. Learn to be comfortable with silence and use pauses. This is also useful for public speaking.
+
If you tend to say Umm, You know, Like, Yeah, or elongate the last word preceding an unintended pause, practise using pauses instead of muttering. People who subconsciously say auxiliaries tend to dislike silence.
+
Speak clearly. Mumbling, muttering, and circular sentences do nothing to further communication.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 7.jpg
+
7Use appropriate language. Do not swear or talk rudely. Obscenities do not show assertiveness—it shows crude behaviour and irresponsibility of your understanding.
+
This method of understanding propriety is called savoir-faire.
+
Be careful about the tone of your voice. Keep it moderated.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 8.jpg
+
8If you feel tears or anger coming on, breathe very deeply from the stomach—you should be able to see your stomach rise out and pull back in. This deep breathing will calm you in as little as four to five breaths.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 9.jpg
+
9Be mindful of your voice. If you are too soft, the other person will think you are trying to hide yourself and may ignore you. If you are too loud, the other person may become scared or vexed by your voice.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 10.jpg
+
10The most important thing is to believe that you are responsible for yourself. No one else is responsible for your behaviour and your personality.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 11.jpg
+
11Express your emotions clearly. Focus on how you feel.
+
  
 +
* In addition to the “fight or flight” response to challenges, humans can solve problems verbally.
  
Change your Mindset-Remember that you have a right to be heard and your opinions and needs be considered when decisions are being made. If you are often fearful of speaking up, ask yourself “What is the worst thing that can possibly happen if I voice my feelings in a respectful manner?More often than not you will discover your fears were not reality based and you will quickly calm down and feel more comfortable being assertive.
+
* People can make you feel guilty by labeling your behavior “good” or “bad,” just like your parents did when you were a child.
  
Use “I” phrases-Be willing to own your opinions and feelings by saying something like “I need the report completed and on my desk by 5 p.m. today” or, “I need more time to consider these proposals, so may we meet again tomorrow at 8 a.m. to review?” In personal relationships there may be times when you want or need to say “no” to requests from family or friends. Simply say something along the lines of, “I would like to help you, but I already have a prior commitment on Saturday” or, “I appreciate the invitation, but I can‘t make it this time”.
+
* The right to be the judge of your behavior is the foundation of all the other rights.  
  
Be Specific and Direct-Look the person directly in the eye and deliver your message in short, easy-to-understand sentences, respectfully offering or asking for clarification when needed. Keep in mind that men and women communicate differently, especially with those of the opposite sex, so make it a priority to learn the difference between men and women and their communication styles while striving to be assertive.
+
* People may use manipulative behavior to make you believe that you should live by their rules.  
  
Respect Yourself and Others-Realize that you are worthy of being heard and that you have something valuable to say, just as others do. You have important ideas and suggestions that everyone will be benefited by after respectfully considering what you have to say, just as they do. Recognize the things you do well and feel good about yourself and your achievements, and take gradual steps to improve in the areas you have difficulty with.
+
=== Assertive Rights ===
  
Prepare and Practice-If you find there is a need to confront someone, take some time to prepare what message you wish to get across and practice your tone of voice and body language, in order to achieve assertive communication while also keeping the lines of communication, compromise and negotiation open.
+
* “You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.”
 +
* “You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to change your mind for any reason or no reason at all.” see [[consent]].
 +
* “You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t know’ for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to be illogical in making decisions for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t understand’ for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t care’ for any reason or no reason at all.
  
[[Category:Communication Disciplines]][[Category:Relationships]][[Category:Slave Training]][[Cateogry:Psychological Disciplines]][[Category:Power Exchange]]
+
=== Twisted Thinking ===
 +
 
 +
Paraphrased from ''The Feeling Good Handbook'' by David D. Burns, twisted thinking are thought pathways that are inconsistent with assertive speech and work against it.  Consider avoiding twisted thinking.
 +
 
 +
* '''All-or-nothing'''
 +
black or white categories. a situation that falls short of perfect is seen as a failure.
 +
example: "I ate a brownie. My entire diet is ruined."
 +
 
 +
* '''Over-generalization'''
 +
a single event is seen as a continuing pattern of defeat. over using the words "always" and "never".
 +
example: "I am always bored. I never get to have any fun."
 +
 
 +
* '''Mental Filter'''
 +
Focusing on one detail of a situation while screening out all others.
 +
Example: You receive praise and criticism for your work on a project. You only remember and focus on the criticism.
 +
 
 +
* '''Discounting the Positive'''
 +
Positive experiences are not acknowledged or "don't count". This is a joy killer and can cause feelings of being inadequate and unrewarded.
 +
Example: You may do well at something but you tell yourself that "it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well."
 +
 
 +
* '''Jumping to Conclusions'''
 +
Negative conclusions with no (or inadequate) supporting evidence.
 +
 
 +
''Mind reading:'' Making assumptions that others think or feel negatively about you.
 +
 
 +
Example: "I'm sure he doesn't like me, I just know it."
 +
 
 +
''Fortune-Telling:'' Making negative predictions about the future.
 +
 
 +
Example: "If I don't pretend to be more interesting than I believe I am at the party, no one will like me."
 +
 
 +
* '''Magnification'''
 +
Magnifying importance of failures and shortcomings or minimizing importance of desirable qualities.
 +
Example: "I missed catching the ball and now the whole team must think I'm a loser."  or "I'm really no good at settling accounts, I only got six out of seven today."
 +
 
 +
* '''Emotional Reasoning'''
 +
Assuming negative emotions are a sure indication of the nature of a situation.
 +
Example: "I feel angry. Therefore, I am being treated unfairly." or "I am afraid of _____. Therefore, _____ must be dangerous."
 +
 
 +
* '''Should Statements'''
 +
"Should", "must", "oughts", and "have tos" are imply a moral imperative that often lead to guilt, anger and frustration. "Should" is often used to attempt to motivate people but frequently has the opposite effect and creates anxiety.
 +
Attempt replacing these words with "benefit". Instead of saying, "You should drink more water." consider saying "It might benefit you to drink more water."
 +
 
 +
* '''Labeling'''
 +
Labeling is when you over identify with the way you or someone else has behaved and is "all or nothing" taken to an extreme.
 +
Example: A person behaves badly. You decide "they are an asshole". You will not want to amend the situation now because you perceive them as a disgusting object instead of a human to be worked with.
 +
Example:  Saying "I am a failure" as opposed to saying "I made a mistake".
 +
 
 +
* '''Personalization & Blame'''
 +
Personalization is a thought process that leads to guilt, shame and inadequacy.
 +
Example: "Climate change is happening because I didn't sign enough petitions." or "My mother is sick because I didn't take good enough care of her." or "He broke up with me because I'm not a desirable person."
 +
Blame is similar but directed at others. It often leads to a cycle which includes resentment, anger, and the blame being tossed back and forth between people without the potential for resolution.
 +
 
 +
== How to Speak Assertively and Effectively ==
 +
 
 +
* use “I” statements to state your thoughts clearly and concisely
 +
* state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
 +
* express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully (avoid idiom and analogy)
 +
* communicate respect for others
 +
* listen well without interrupting
 +
* feel in control of yourself
 +
* have good eye contact
 +
* speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
 +
* have a relaxed body posture, be warm and open with gesturing
 +
* feel connected to others
 +
* feel competent and use a tones that conveys confidence in yourself
 +
* do not allow others to abuse or manipulate you or others
 +
* stand up for your rights
 +
* utilize silence rather than "umm", "like", "uhhhh" and similar speech delay tactics
 +
* admit to mistakes openly and seek to learn from, remedy, and prevent them in the future
 +
* practice assertive speech on your own, with a mirror; be mindful to be respectful if practicing a confrontation
 +
* respond to criticism by asking open ended questions that address the criticism
 +
* utilize good grammar, understanding of colloquial expressions and dialect
 +
* use the minimum amount of force in your tone required to assert your rights, avoid blatantly offensive or hostile speech
 +
 
 +
=== Conflict Resolution ===
 +
 
 +
Conflict resolution, especially regarding subjects where emotions run high and are between close parties, can be very difficult to maintain a level head and speak assertively.
 +
 
 +
If you find this is a recurring problem, consider both you and your parnter agreeing to use exclusively the following format:
 +
 
 +
''"When you ___A___, I feel ___B____."''
 +
 
 +
'''Important Note:'''
 +
 
 +
''A is'' something another person did, said, did not do or did not say, and is exclusively a fact, not an opinion.
 +
Example: "When you ask me to take out the trash more than once.."
 +
 
 +
''A is not'' your impression, opinion, or exaggeration of the instance.
 +
Example: "When you nag me to take out the trash a thousand times like I'm an incompetent douchebag.."
 +
 
 +
''B is'' a single feeling you have/had.
 +
Example: "I feel humiliated."
 +
 
 +
''B is not'' a thought you have/had phrased as a feeling.
 +
Example: "I feel like you are being a condescending ass monkey that doesn't care about my feelings."
 +
 
 +
When you use this format you have the following results:
 +
 
 +
If you have used this communication method effectively, since you have stated a fact and a feeling, the person cannot argue the fact, and cannot get defensive about their feeling.  You also have not told them how to resolve the situation, you have simply informed them of your feeling.  How they decide to proceed and deal with the action and/or your feelings is still up to them/open to discussion, this promotes the idea that you have informed them of the situation, but not coerced or accused. 
 +
 
 +
It is suggested to respond to such a tactic with "Why does this make you feel this way?" if that isn't readily understood, or some other open ended questions.
 +
 
 +
Gathering data in this fashion will allow your partner to communicate the root of their feelings, and give you more data to understand how to best move forward.
 +
 
 +
When either of you do come up with a plan to move forward consider proposing the idea and asking for feedback as this will help them feel that they are heard and that their feelings and input is valued, which is especially important during times of distress for many individuals.  They also may have interesting ideas that contribute to the overall wellness of the new agreement.
 +
 
 +
=== Dialog ===
 +
 
 +
''When engaging in dialog...'' consider using '''LAER''' methods.
 +
 
 +
* Listen:  Listen to the concern(s) of the party. Listen to understand, not to respond.
 +
 +
* Acknowledge:  Let the party know you understand their concern(s)and that you are interested and want to help them find a solution.
 +
 +
* Explore:  Learn about the party's concern(s) using open-ended questions.  Begin your questions with words like:  what, when, why, how, tell me.
 +
 +
* Respond:  Respond using Assertive Speech.
 +
 
 +
{{#ev:youtube|eIho2S0ZahI|500|center|Additional Speech Tools}}
 +
 
 +
 
 +
[[Category:Communication Disciplines]][[Category:Relationships]][[Category:Slave Training]][[Category:Psychological Disciplines]][[Category:Power Exchange]][[Category:Consent]]

Latest revision as of 03:15, 26 February 2015

Assertive speech is a style of communication in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem and is a primary tool for effective communication in relationships when coupled with respecting the rights of others.

It is noted that assertive speech is a tool that is exceptionally useful to both d-types and s-types and is a foundational skill for healthy relationships.

Benefits of Assertive Speech

  • Reduces anxiety and stress often caused by misunderstandings and conflicts.
  • Allows you to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and effectively.
  • Self-esteem and self-confidence is enhanced and you have better control over your own life.
  • Others have more respect for your ideas and opinions by knowing where you stand.
  • Relationships with others are greatly improved by disagreeing without being hostile.
  • Having the ability to say “no” when you mean “no” without feeling self-conscious.
  • Motivates others to clearly state their own opinions and ideas.
  • Allows you to ask for help when needed without fear and stress.
  • Increases a feeling of connectedness to others.
  • Enables one to mature because you address issues and problems as they arise.
  • Creates a respectful environment for others to grow and mature as well.

Ideals of Assertive Speech

  • “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”
  • “I am confident about who I am.”
  • “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”
  • “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”
  • “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”
  • “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.”
  • “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner.”
  • “I respect the rights of others.”
  • “Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to give it to me.”
  • “I’m responsible for my own happiness.”

Prerequisite Training

Assumptions of Assertive Speech

  • Productive communication and positive assertiveness create good relationships.
  • Allowing others to manipulate your behavior sacrifices your self-respect and sense of personal responsibility.
  • In addition to the “fight or flight” response to challenges, humans can solve problems verbally.
  • People can make you feel guilty by labeling your behavior “good” or “bad,” just like your parents did when you were a child.
  • The right to be the judge of your behavior is the foundation of all the other rights.
  • People may use manipulative behavior to make you believe that you should live by their rules.

Assertive Rights

  • “You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.”
  • “You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to change your mind for any reason or no reason at all.” see consent.
  • “You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t know’ for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to be illogical in making decisions for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t understand’ for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t care’ for any reason or no reason at all.”

Twisted Thinking

Paraphrased from The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, twisted thinking are thought pathways that are inconsistent with assertive speech and work against it. Consider avoiding twisted thinking.

  • All-or-nothing

black or white categories. a situation that falls short of perfect is seen as a failure. example: "I ate a brownie. My entire diet is ruined."

  • Over-generalization

a single event is seen as a continuing pattern of defeat. over using the words "always" and "never". example: "I am always bored. I never get to have any fun."

  • Mental Filter

Focusing on one detail of a situation while screening out all others. Example: You receive praise and criticism for your work on a project. You only remember and focus on the criticism.

  • Discounting the Positive

Positive experiences are not acknowledged or "don't count". This is a joy killer and can cause feelings of being inadequate and unrewarded. Example: You may do well at something but you tell yourself that "it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well."

  • Jumping to Conclusions

Negative conclusions with no (or inadequate) supporting evidence.

Mind reading: Making assumptions that others think or feel negatively about you.

Example: "I'm sure he doesn't like me, I just know it."

Fortune-Telling: Making negative predictions about the future.

Example: "If I don't pretend to be more interesting than I believe I am at the party, no one will like me."

  • Magnification

Magnifying importance of failures and shortcomings or minimizing importance of desirable qualities. Example: "I missed catching the ball and now the whole team must think I'm a loser." or "I'm really no good at settling accounts, I only got six out of seven today."

  • Emotional Reasoning

Assuming negative emotions are a sure indication of the nature of a situation. Example: "I feel angry. Therefore, I am being treated unfairly." or "I am afraid of _____. Therefore, _____ must be dangerous."

  • Should Statements

"Should", "must", "oughts", and "have tos" are imply a moral imperative that often lead to guilt, anger and frustration. "Should" is often used to attempt to motivate people but frequently has the opposite effect and creates anxiety. Attempt replacing these words with "benefit". Instead of saying, "You should drink more water." consider saying "It might benefit you to drink more water."

  • Labeling

Labeling is when you over identify with the way you or someone else has behaved and is "all or nothing" taken to an extreme. Example: A person behaves badly. You decide "they are an asshole". You will not want to amend the situation now because you perceive them as a disgusting object instead of a human to be worked with. Example: Saying "I am a failure" as opposed to saying "I made a mistake".

  • Personalization & Blame

Personalization is a thought process that leads to guilt, shame and inadequacy. Example: "Climate change is happening because I didn't sign enough petitions." or "My mother is sick because I didn't take good enough care of her." or "He broke up with me because I'm not a desirable person." Blame is similar but directed at others. It often leads to a cycle which includes resentment, anger, and the blame being tossed back and forth between people without the potential for resolution.

How to Speak Assertively and Effectively

  • use “I” statements to state your thoughts clearly and concisely
  • state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
  • express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully (avoid idiom and analogy)
  • communicate respect for others
  • listen well without interrupting
  • feel in control of yourself
  • have good eye contact
  • speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
  • have a relaxed body posture, be warm and open with gesturing
  • feel connected to others
  • feel competent and use a tones that conveys confidence in yourself
  • do not allow others to abuse or manipulate you or others
  • stand up for your rights
  • utilize silence rather than "umm", "like", "uhhhh" and similar speech delay tactics
  • admit to mistakes openly and seek to learn from, remedy, and prevent them in the future
  • practice assertive speech on your own, with a mirror; be mindful to be respectful if practicing a confrontation
  • respond to criticism by asking open ended questions that address the criticism
  • utilize good grammar, understanding of colloquial expressions and dialect
  • use the minimum amount of force in your tone required to assert your rights, avoid blatantly offensive or hostile speech

Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution, especially regarding subjects where emotions run high and are between close parties, can be very difficult to maintain a level head and speak assertively.

If you find this is a recurring problem, consider both you and your parnter agreeing to use exclusively the following format:

"When you ___A___, I feel ___B____."

Important Note:

A is something another person did, said, did not do or did not say, and is exclusively a fact, not an opinion. Example: "When you ask me to take out the trash more than once.."

A is not your impression, opinion, or exaggeration of the instance. Example: "When you nag me to take out the trash a thousand times like I'm an incompetent douchebag.."

B is a single feeling you have/had. Example: "I feel humiliated."

B is not a thought you have/had phrased as a feeling. Example: "I feel like you are being a condescending ass monkey that doesn't care about my feelings."

When you use this format you have the following results:

If you have used this communication method effectively, since you have stated a fact and a feeling, the person cannot argue the fact, and cannot get defensive about their feeling. You also have not told them how to resolve the situation, you have simply informed them of your feeling. How they decide to proceed and deal with the action and/or your feelings is still up to them/open to discussion, this promotes the idea that you have informed them of the situation, but not coerced or accused.

It is suggested to respond to such a tactic with "Why does this make you feel this way?" if that isn't readily understood, or some other open ended questions.

Gathering data in this fashion will allow your partner to communicate the root of their feelings, and give you more data to understand how to best move forward.

When either of you do come up with a plan to move forward consider proposing the idea and asking for feedback as this will help them feel that they are heard and that their feelings and input is valued, which is especially important during times of distress for many individuals. They also may have interesting ideas that contribute to the overall wellness of the new agreement.

Dialog

When engaging in dialog... consider using LAER methods.

  • Listen: Listen to the concern(s) of the party. Listen to understand, not to respond.
  • Acknowledge: Let the party know you understand their concern(s)and that you are interested and want to help them find a solution.
  • Explore: Learn about the party's concern(s) using open-ended questions. Begin your questions with words like: what, when, why, how, tell me.
  • Respond: Respond using Assertive Speech.
Additional Speech Tools