Difference between revisions of "BDSM FAQ"

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(This BDSM stuff sounds interesting, what is good starting advice?)
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Everyone's journey will unfold different and there is no one true way to participate in BDSM, but most folks will agree there are certain steps that are tried and true methods for a path to success.
 
Everyone's journey will unfold different and there is no one true way to participate in BDSM, but most folks will agree there are certain steps that are tried and true methods for a path to success.
  
=== Step 1) Commit to Learning. === No matter how old you are, how long you may have been involved with BDSM and how many wiki articles you read or wrote, you will always have something new to learn and new directions to grow in.  Make it a conscious effort to be learning and growing as a person from the start and you'll be that much better off.  Read a lot, interact with experienced folks and ask them questions, practice and remember that this is about the journey, not the destination.
+
=== Commit to Learning. ===
 +
 
 +
No matter how old you are, how long you may have been involved with BDSM and how many wiki articles you read or wrote, you will always have something new to learn and new directions to grow in.  Make it a conscious effort to be learning and growing as a person from the start and you'll be that much better off.  Read a lot, interact with experienced folks and ask them questions, practice and remember that this is about the journey, not the destination.
  
 
Some basic things to learn asap:
 
Some basic things to learn asap:
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*Remember to have fun along the way
 
*Remember to have fun along the way
  
===Step 2) Get to a munch.===   
+
=== Get to a munch.===   
  
 
It is imperative for your growth to get to a munch early in your development.  Some folks exist strictly in the realm of Cyber Domination and occasional fantasy and that is perfectly fine for them, however, even they can benefit drastically from learning from the more experienced members of the community.    Munches are great because they help you get to meet lots of folks in a neutral and casual territory without any expectation of play and gives you the opportunity firstly to realize that all these kinky folk are everyday people from all walks of life and have lots of interesting things going on outside of just their kink identities, but that they are also often completely comfortable discussing topics of kink, sex, orientation and other things that would make many folks in polite society cringe, and most importantly, that they will accept you for identifying as different.  This is the start of the creation of your support networks in the community and also a great resource for learning.   
 
It is imperative for your growth to get to a munch early in your development.  Some folks exist strictly in the realm of Cyber Domination and occasional fantasy and that is perfectly fine for them, however, even they can benefit drastically from learning from the more experienced members of the community.    Munches are great because they help you get to meet lots of folks in a neutral and casual territory without any expectation of play and gives you the opportunity firstly to realize that all these kinky folk are everyday people from all walks of life and have lots of interesting things going on outside of just their kink identities, but that they are also often completely comfortable discussing topics of kink, sex, orientation and other things that would make many folks in polite society cringe, and most importantly, that they will accept you for identifying as different.  This is the start of the creation of your support networks in the community and also a great resource for learning.   
  
===Step 3) Get to a play party or dungeon.===  
+
=== Get to a play party or dungeon.===  
  
 
Getting to your first public play space is crucial to development as well.  Not only will you get to see lots of interesting things you may have never imagined before, but you'll also get to see some kink in action, likely by far more experienced folks.  This will allow you to get a very interesting taste of what's out there, and also very importantly, you'll have a really powerful safety net.  Often times new members to the lifestyle will meet strangers from online in a discreet location, chat for a bit and then go someplace private like a hotel or apartment with what is otherwise a perfect stranger.  While everything might go fine in that scenario, it can't be stressed enough that very often things can and do go wrong in those scenarios.  However at a dungeon, while you might be bound and gagged, you aren't alone in a room with a perfect stranger, instead, at worst, you are alone in a room with a group of strangers, but even that has it's benefits.  Most respectable dungeons and play parties have medical staff on hand if something goes wrong.  They also often have dungeon monitors to police the place, a system of rules to follow, a reputation and possibly a business to protect, and most importantly, a bunch of experienced folks that are all watching each other that each have their own reputations and integrity to maintain within the community.  This isn't to say that nothing bad has every happened at a public play party or dungeon, but that the chances of things going horribly awry is amazingly lower than the risk you might take meeting a perfect stranger for coffee and heading to a private hotel room.  Further, it's not just people who bottom that this protects, it also helps protect tops from false accusations if there are other folks there that are watching.  In general it's just safer around the table for everyone.
 
Getting to your first public play space is crucial to development as well.  Not only will you get to see lots of interesting things you may have never imagined before, but you'll also get to see some kink in action, likely by far more experienced folks.  This will allow you to get a very interesting taste of what's out there, and also very importantly, you'll have a really powerful safety net.  Often times new members to the lifestyle will meet strangers from online in a discreet location, chat for a bit and then go someplace private like a hotel or apartment with what is otherwise a perfect stranger.  While everything might go fine in that scenario, it can't be stressed enough that very often things can and do go wrong in those scenarios.  However at a dungeon, while you might be bound and gagged, you aren't alone in a room with a perfect stranger, instead, at worst, you are alone in a room with a group of strangers, but even that has it's benefits.  Most respectable dungeons and play parties have medical staff on hand if something goes wrong.  They also often have dungeon monitors to police the place, a system of rules to follow, a reputation and possibly a business to protect, and most importantly, a bunch of experienced folks that are all watching each other that each have their own reputations and integrity to maintain within the community.  This isn't to say that nothing bad has every happened at a public play party or dungeon, but that the chances of things going horribly awry is amazingly lower than the risk you might take meeting a perfect stranger for coffee and heading to a private hotel room.  Further, it's not just people who bottom that this protects, it also helps protect tops from false accusations if there are other folks there that are watching.  In general it's just safer around the table for everyone.
  
===Step 4) Get to a large event.===
+
=== Get to a large event.===
  
 
There are lots of festivals, educational intensives and amazing people that make their living just travelling the globe sharing their knowledge and experience of BDSM with others.  Simply reading on a wiki about how to swing a whip and knowing the academics of the process is very, very different than learning from a globally recognized whip master.  Make it a point to learn from these fantastic events as you'll gain unique opportunities and insight here that you'll never, ever gain from simply reading online.   
 
There are lots of festivals, educational intensives and amazing people that make their living just travelling the globe sharing their knowledge and experience of BDSM with others.  Simply reading on a wiki about how to swing a whip and knowing the academics of the process is very, very different than learning from a globally recognized whip master.  Make it a point to learn from these fantastic events as you'll gain unique opportunities and insight here that you'll never, ever gain from simply reading online.   
  
  
===Step 5) Pursue happiness and pay it forward to the community.===
+
=== Pursue happiness and pay it forward to the community.===
  
 
So you've been to tons of events, had amazing experiences, learned from a ton of folks, been around the community for a few years, had a mind blowing ride and now all of a sudden people think that you have something interesting to say or offer. Well, enjoy your path as it unfolds, because you no doubt have found a great deal of success with what it is you are doing to have stuck with it this far,  what now? When possible, consider giving a little of what you got and putting it back out there... something as simple as responding to a request for someone to have you mentor them on the basics, hosting a munch, teaching a class you are considered an expert at on a regional level by the community, adding some expert insight to a wiki article here, or simply just answer questions from the newer folks is not only going to help you feel great for contributing, but will also afford you lots of unique opportunities that you wouldn't otherwise have.
 
So you've been to tons of events, had amazing experiences, learned from a ton of folks, been around the community for a few years, had a mind blowing ride and now all of a sudden people think that you have something interesting to say or offer. Well, enjoy your path as it unfolds, because you no doubt have found a great deal of success with what it is you are doing to have stuck with it this far,  what now? When possible, consider giving a little of what you got and putting it back out there... something as simple as responding to a request for someone to have you mentor them on the basics, hosting a munch, teaching a class you are considered an expert at on a regional level by the community, adding some expert insight to a wiki article here, or simply just answer questions from the newer folks is not only going to help you feel great for contributing, but will also afford you lots of unique opportunities that you wouldn't otherwise have.

Revision as of 18:30, 9 March 2014

Contents

What does BDSM Stand for?

The term BDSM dates back to 1969; however, the exact origin of the term BDSM is unclear. It is often interpreted as a compound initialism from B&D (bondage and discipline), D&S (dominance and submission), and S&M (sadism and Masochism). Regardless of its origin, BDSM is used as a catch-all phrase to include a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community and/or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle, and is sometimes referred to as a sexual identity/orientation.

This BDSM stuff sounds interesting, what is good starting advice?

Everyone's journey will unfold different and there is no one true way to participate in BDSM, but most folks will agree there are certain steps that are tried and true methods for a path to success.

Commit to Learning.

No matter how old you are, how long you may have been involved with BDSM and how many wiki articles you read or wrote, you will always have something new to learn and new directions to grow in. Make it a conscious effort to be learning and growing as a person from the start and you'll be that much better off. Read a lot, interact with experienced folks and ask them questions, practice and remember that this is about the journey, not the destination.

Some basic things to learn asap:

  • Basic vocabulary list
  • This FAQ
  • How to negotiate
  • Consider if a mentor is right for you
  • How to use your chosen implements in regards to best practices
  • Remember to have fun along the way

Get to a munch.

It is imperative for your growth to get to a munch early in your development. Some folks exist strictly in the realm of Cyber Domination and occasional fantasy and that is perfectly fine for them, however, even they can benefit drastically from learning from the more experienced members of the community. Munches are great because they help you get to meet lots of folks in a neutral and casual territory without any expectation of play and gives you the opportunity firstly to realize that all these kinky folk are everyday people from all walks of life and have lots of interesting things going on outside of just their kink identities, but that they are also often completely comfortable discussing topics of kink, sex, orientation and other things that would make many folks in polite society cringe, and most importantly, that they will accept you for identifying as different. This is the start of the creation of your support networks in the community and also a great resource for learning.

Get to a play party or dungeon.

Getting to your first public play space is crucial to development as well. Not only will you get to see lots of interesting things you may have never imagined before, but you'll also get to see some kink in action, likely by far more experienced folks. This will allow you to get a very interesting taste of what's out there, and also very importantly, you'll have a really powerful safety net. Often times new members to the lifestyle will meet strangers from online in a discreet location, chat for a bit and then go someplace private like a hotel or apartment with what is otherwise a perfect stranger. While everything might go fine in that scenario, it can't be stressed enough that very often things can and do go wrong in those scenarios. However at a dungeon, while you might be bound and gagged, you aren't alone in a room with a perfect stranger, instead, at worst, you are alone in a room with a group of strangers, but even that has it's benefits. Most respectable dungeons and play parties have medical staff on hand if something goes wrong. They also often have dungeon monitors to police the place, a system of rules to follow, a reputation and possibly a business to protect, and most importantly, a bunch of experienced folks that are all watching each other that each have their own reputations and integrity to maintain within the community. This isn't to say that nothing bad has every happened at a public play party or dungeon, but that the chances of things going horribly awry is amazingly lower than the risk you might take meeting a perfect stranger for coffee and heading to a private hotel room. Further, it's not just people who bottom that this protects, it also helps protect tops from false accusations if there are other folks there that are watching. In general it's just safer around the table for everyone.

Get to a large event.

There are lots of festivals, educational intensives and amazing people that make their living just travelling the globe sharing their knowledge and experience of BDSM with others. Simply reading on a wiki about how to swing a whip and knowing the academics of the process is very, very different than learning from a globally recognized whip master. Make it a point to learn from these fantastic events as you'll gain unique opportunities and insight here that you'll never, ever gain from simply reading online.


Pursue happiness and pay it forward to the community.

So you've been to tons of events, had amazing experiences, learned from a ton of folks, been around the community for a few years, had a mind blowing ride and now all of a sudden people think that you have something interesting to say or offer. Well, enjoy your path as it unfolds, because you no doubt have found a great deal of success with what it is you are doing to have stuck with it this far, what now? When possible, consider giving a little of what you got and putting it back out there... something as simple as responding to a request for someone to have you mentor them on the basics, hosting a munch, teaching a class you are considered an expert at on a regional level by the community, adding some expert insight to a wiki article here, or simply just answer questions from the newer folks is not only going to help you feel great for contributing, but will also afford you lots of unique opportunities that you wouldn't otherwise have.

What does "X" word mean?

Thankfully you are in the best possible place to gather information about simple definitions and meanings about a complex string of BDSM theories; you are on a wiki devoted entirely to organizing and presenting those definitions and concepts to you!

There is a beginner vocabulary list which offers the short versions of all of the terms a beginner should probably know within their first week of exploring BDSM, however, it is by no means complete and extensive articles on those topics are linked directly through that list. Further, you can find a plethora of terms by exploring the Major categories on the side bar, and if you are looking for something specific you can use the search bar in the upper right hand corner.

If you have other questions, feel free to continue to peruse the FAQ, because this site has an extensive one and chances are we'll at least be able to get you started on your path of exploration.

Enjoy!

How do I find a munch?

What books should I read to get started?

That's a really tough question to answer because I don't know what your specific interests are. The wiki itself does provide a huge wealth of information and in many cases lists how to find even more information on a given subject, either linking to support groups and/or books. Further, we have a link library that suggests various books and articles for further reading.

That said, generally well reviewed sources for BDSM for beginners can be found here.


I have questions about the wiki

That's great, check out this page here!


Is BDSM abuse? How could someone possibly like getting hit with things and not be insane?

I respect my lover too much to ever hurt them, how can someone possibly love someone they are hurting on purpose?

Can I live out my fantasies like I've read about in fiction novels and seen in pornographic films?

I have dark fantasies of some kind, sometimes they even scare me, does that make me a bad person?

Dominants just seem like jerks that boss people around, who would really want spend all day slaving for someone like that?

Do dominants really love and care for their submissives?

How will I know if I've gone too far? What if I do something terrible? What if I can't stop? What if normal sex is boring forever after I try this stuff?

I'm all about getting kinky in the bedroom, but some of this stuff people do is just plain disgusting and/or crazy. How can people possibly like that extreme stuff? It all just seems so sick to me.

How can I make my boyfriend/girlfriend into my dom/sub?

Is it really domination if it's only online?

I'm really shy and I'm scared to go to a dungeon or play party, what should I do?

If I go to a dungeon or play party, do I have to play with other people? How am I supposed to act?

Do I have to have sex with someone in order to play with them?

No. Absolutely not. It is not OK for anyone to assume liberties, even simply taking your hand to hold without your expressed consent.

Can I use drugs/alcohol during play to help loosen me up? What if it's just a little?

Absolutely not. Which isn't to say that some folks don't and haven't in the past, however, it is important to know that when you engage in BDSM scenes you are going to be messing with your body chemistry already by loading it up with adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin and many other very powerful chemicals for both the bottom and the top. Including additional mind and body altering agents into the mix is a great recipe for disaster as well as impaired judgement and thus bad judgement calls will be made, which isn't to say a disaster is going to happen but that the chances of one increase dramatically. While in daily life this might not be so bad, it's important to remember that what you are doing is inherently and patently dangerous on some levels. Granted safety can be well mitigated by an alert, sober person of sound mind, but give that person impaired judgement and slowed reaction times and now you're drastically increasing the chances of having something dangerous happen. This extends to more than just illegal drugs and alcohol, it also applies to many other substances such as a lack of food or water, blood thinners, mood stabilizers, use of new hormone therapies (until they level off after a few months) and any other substance that will drastically alter the composition of the body and the soundness of mind. It's important to remember these sorts of things will affect the judgement of the bottom and the top and in either case can lead to a very serious problem. Also remember, it's not just about the physical safety of the event, it's also about the emotional safety. If simply having a bad day earlier can ruin a potential play date, mind and body altering substances can certainly do precisely the same thing, further, if you secretly engage in play without telling your partner that you are under the influence of these things you are setting them up for a consent violation as they did not agree to partake in play with someone under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Why can't I find a Master/slave/other type of partner?

Very frequently new folks will make a few dozen posts online after creating an online profile somewhere and then interact with folks for a week and get frustrated because they aren't immediately rewarded with the partner of their dreams. They then complain they can't find a partner, assuming the level of investment they put in to be sufficient without realizing that the most talented folks involved with BDSM firstly have a partner or several partners already, or have their choice of partners should they decide they want one because they are talented, attractive, confident, trustworthy and whatever other values one might tag them with. The people they play with, much less decide to be in a relationship with, often times spent years searching and growing as people before they found the person they have partnered with, and rightly so, as the person that they are seeking that they are wanting to be with also spend many years working on themselves, growing and becoming all of the things that now make them an attractive partner.

If you want to attract a top quality partner and you are consistently having trouble doing so, it's best to start by working on and improving yourself. Start by accepting that whatever it is that you are doing isn't working and if you really want your choice of partners, you will have to grow to become one of those people that has lots of great features that are immediately apparent and brings lots of highly valuable things to the table, and yes, that is a very hard thing to do and it does indeed take years for most folks. What each specific person needs to work on will be different as everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, however, consider the type of person you are realistically trying to attract. What kinds of things do they value? Are you those things? If not you might want to get to becoming those things if you really want to attract that sort of person. On the other hand, if you refuse to better yourself and grow and demand that your potential partners accept you exactly as is and then decide they aren't right for you if they don't want you exactly as is, that is your right and privilege, but at that point you have no one but yourself to blame for your lack of partners, and chances are that most other strangers online aren't going to have much sympathy for your situation.

What does it take to be a real Dominant or submissive, Master or slave, etc.?

What is the difference between a top, dom and a Master?

What is the difference between a bottom, sub and a slave?

How do I get a Mentor?

How do I train a slave/How can I train to be a slave?

What's a good list of protocols?

How can I be a good slave?

How do I figure out which role I'm best suited for?

Is it really cheating if...?

What should I do to prepare to meet my new Master or Mistress for the first time?

Are sadists evil?

I have something I'm having trouble telling my dom, what should I do?

Sometimes after I engage in my kink I feel really guilty or shameful, what should I do?

Why do I feel terrible sometimes after I play when the scene itself was so awesome?

Do I have to bottom first before being a Master?

What if my dom tells me to do something illegal?

What is the difference between letting a Dominant know what your hard limits are and Topping from the bottom?

How do collars work?

How do I negotiate a scene?

Is there such a thing as a no limits slave?

Is it OK for a dom to say they are sorry?

Do I have to give control of my finances to my dom/do I have to take control of my sub's finances?

Are brats really submissives?

How come no one respects that I'm a Master/slave/other role?

Often times people that ask this question are very new and are busy seeking external validation rather than living out the role day to day and showing through integrity and actions what their role is. To many this behavior can come of as needy and insecure and turn many folks off to advocating for you and helping you embrace your new role.

Further, while you get to decide what it is that you identify as for you, and you may even have your role embraced by a life partner, it is an unreal expectation that you should expect others to know all of the things about you and your partner that you do, and further, that they should have even the same metrics for judging what a Master/slave/other role is. What someone that is in their first few months considers to be a (insert role of choice) is likely going to be a very different idea than what someone who has twenty or more years of experience living as or with such a type of person. Neither opinion is necessarily right or wrong, but each is true for the person in question.

Because so many people are going to have so many different ideas about what (insert role of choice) should be like and you can never please them all, it is best to start working on being secure in your role for yourself, nor expect and presume that others should or even could accept you in your role.

In many cases, for example, the title "Master" many folks have spent literally decades living in the lifestyle, completely entrenched in things a brand new person likely couldn't even possibly imagine and they won their title through the community through the giving of much blood, sweat and tears to the concept and the community at large. As you might imagine some of these folks might be a bit sensitive about you potentially assuming the same title and expecting the same level of respect that took them literally decades to earn. Then again, others won't be upset by you assuming that identity at all, but aren't likely to take you all that seriously until you put similar time in to the lifestyle that they did.

The best advice you can have in this situation is to be secure in yourself, accept, expect and respect that others will differ in their views (and rightly so), and if you value someone's opinion, make it a point to learn what you can from them. That's how you'll gradually grow into your role, by learning and doing and learning some more.

Is submission/dominance a gift?

The concept of submission/dominance as a gift is reported to be a new concept created in the early 2000's while BDSM, as far as humans integrating sex and pain into their relationships, has been around since humans became humans. While the topic is hotly debated, if submission is a gift, so is dominance and they are exchanged (hence the term power exchange relationships, not power gifting relationships), and it's very important not to feel that your side of the equation in the relationship is somehow more valid or important, or less valid/less important; at least early on. Remember that you can't live out a dominant or submissive role day to day without someone to reciprocate that, perhaps your heart may be in that role, but your day to day actions will be lacking and we are what we do repeatedly.

While utilizing the five languages of love to reward a partner is a great thing, ultimately the healthiest way to embrace your relationship role is by having internal validation and appreciation for what it is that you do in your relationship dynamic rather than requiring external validation from your partner, so be secure in yourself and don't place unequal value on your roles. It's fine to be humble, it's another thing entirely to be insecure in the value of your self and your role in your relationship, or alternately, having feelings of unwarranted self importance in your role.

While many power exchange relationships may at some point decide to enter into a willful exchange where one role is to be valued in a greater capacity, that arrangement, if done according to best practices, was entered into by two consenting adults, each with equal validity at the time of the negotiated exchange. Further, Best Practices would indicate that such relationships should not be entered into lightly and without a great amount of experience concerning self discovery and discovery of their partner.

The submissive didn't negotiate sex with me before the scene because that was kind of an uncomfortable topic, but when we started playing we had this amazing connection... Is it OK to have sex with them? That's what they are really there for anyway, right?

Frankly speaking, due to the chemicals like adrenaline, dopa-mine, oxytocin and various other chemicals you have likely loaded into their body during that exceptionally hot scene, this is about roughly as ethical as having sex with someone that is pretty thoroughly drunk. While everything might turn out OK because maybe they were secretly wanting you the whole time and now they just have found the courage to convey it, it could also be that their judgement is impaired, they had no intention of having sex with you at all, and you're taking advantage of them while they are in a vulnerable state. For the sake of their emotional safety, consider that having sex with someone while their judgement is compromised and they are emotionally vulnerable is not consistent with best practices, regardless of why their judgement is compromised.

I saw someone not following best practices concerning BDSM like I read in all the books and now I'm freaking out and hyperventilating into a bag; what should I do?

Whoah, hold on there, fun police. I know this is going to sound hard for a new person to get their head around, but at some point, some of the rules, heck, at times even many of the rules will go out the window. Here's the real question... was anyone seriously injured? Are they about to be seriously injured in the next five seconds? Was there an egregious consent violation? If not well then chill out, put your feet up and relax a little.

Best Practices are great, and you should always, always, always follow them, but the reality of the situation is accidents happen, or not, and either way sometimes not everyone is going to do everything by the book, and yes, even a monkey will fall out of a tree on occasion. Now to be frank, if you think something is seriously dangerous and there is an undue risk of injury, report that to an appropriate authority figure in the context of your situation (in many cases you can discreetly signal a dungeon monitor, house dom, or the top in question and privately indicate the best practices violation to correct it) and do your best to make sure everyone comes through better in the end.

If consent violations and serious injury isn't what is going on, well, chances are you need to take a few deep breaths and learn to not sweat the small stuff rather than start spreading tons of harmful gossip that "so and so top isn't safe" and cause lots of unnecessary drama in the process. This sort of practice of unnecessary drama usually is just going to cause division and hurt feelings within your community and could subconsciously be a representation of your own desire for more attention. Chances are, if you aren't a trained Dungeon Monitor and are also very new, you're not going to be doing much in the way of saving lives, and instead will be doing more in the way of ruining scenes. The lesson being, avoid gossip, it's bad.