Difference between revisions of "BDSM FAQ"

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BDSM culture has become more popularized in modern culture through these means and that's a great thing that more people now get to freely and openly explore their sexuality in fun new ways, but it's also important to remember that the things you may have watched and read may not necessarily have anything at all to do with real life, and in many cases may have very little to do with what a real world situation might look like.  Then again, wish fulfillment and indulging in your fantasies can be a fun way to explore with your lover, or even a new lifestyle for the both of you.
 
BDSM culture has become more popularized in modern culture through these means and that's a great thing that more people now get to freely and openly explore their sexuality in fun new ways, but it's also important to remember that the things you may have watched and read may not necessarily have anything at all to do with real life, and in many cases may have very little to do with what a real world situation might look like.  Then again, wish fulfillment and indulging in your fantasies can be a fun way to explore with your lover, or even a new lifestyle for the both of you.
  
The key thing to remember is that unlike in the movies, if you want to do something awesome, chances are it's not going to have that instant gratification element that the movies have.  If you want a hot naked slave to fan you with a palm leaf and feed you grapes upon a throne, that is entirely possible to do... but don't forget the logistics... you'll need to find said slave, have the skills necessary to entice them, train them to behave as you like, have a throne, palm leaf, grapes, presumably a sunny afternoon and a nice yard, some privacy and time,  and that who knows how long that could take to arrange before you get to have your first five minutes of that fantasy.  It could take years... but... it could happen, just not instantly like it does in the fiction novels and porno flicks.
+
The key thing to remember is that unlike in the movies, if you want to do something awesome, chances are it's not going to have that instant gratification element that the movies have.  If you want a hot naked slave to fan you with a palm leaf and feed you grapes upon a throne, that is entirely possible to do... but don't forget the logistics... you'll need to find said slave, have the skills necessary to entice them, train them to behave as you like, have a throne, palm leaf, grapes, presumably a sunny afternoon and a nice yard, and your slave being in a good mood even though something bad happened at work this week, some privacy and time,  and that who knows how long that could take to arrange before you get to have your first five minutes of that fantasy.  It could take years... but... it could happen, just not instantly like it does in the fiction novels and porno flicks.
  
 
== I have kids, how can my partner and I possibly do this stuff? ==
 
== I have kids, how can my partner and I possibly do this stuff? ==

Revision as of 20:21, 9 March 2014

Contents

What does BDSM Stand for?

The term BDSM dates back to 1969; however, the exact origin of the term BDSM is unclear. It is often interpreted as a compound initialism from B&D (bondage and discipline), D&S (dominance and submission), and S&M (sadism and Masochism). Regardless of its origin, BDSM is used as a catch-all phrase to include a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community and/or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle, and is sometimes referred to as a sexual identity/orientation.

What does "X" word mean?

Thankfully you are in the best possible place to gather information about simple definitions and meanings about a complex string of BDSM theories; you are on a wiki devoted entirely to organizing and presenting those definitions and concepts to you!

There is a beginner vocabulary list which offers the short versions of all of the terms a beginner should probably know within their first week of exploring BDSM, however, it is by no means complete and extensive articles on those topics are linked directly through that list. Further, you can find a plethora of terms by exploring the Major categories on the side bar, and if you are looking for something specific you can use the search bar in the upper right hand corner.

If you have other questions, feel free to continue to peruse the FAQ, because this site has an extensive one and chances are we'll at least be able to get you started on your path of exploration.

Enjoy!

This BDSM stuff sounds interesting, what is good starting advice?

Trust no one. Especially do not trust people who refer to themselves with authority. Do not trust people who want to mentor you. Do not trust older dominants who want to "take you under their wing." The BDSM community is full of rapists. One in three kinksters reported having experienced a consent violation according to a recent NCSF poll.

Commit to Learning and self betterment.

No matter how old you are, how long you may have been involved with BDSM and how many wiki articles you read or wrote, you will always have something new to learn and new directions to grow in. Make it a conscious effort to be learning and growing as a person from the start and you'll be that much better off. Read a lot, interact with experienced folks and ask them questions, practice and remember that this is about the journey, not the destination.

Some basic things to learn asap:

  • Basic vocabulary list
  • This FAQ
  • How to negotiate
  • Research any types of play you might be interested in trying
  • Consider if a mentor is right for you
  • Remember to have fun along the way

Go to munches if you feel like it, but don't expect much

People who go to munches are not necessarily more experienced than people who play in private. They just don't mind showing up in person. That's a pretty low bar.

Don't go to classes

Most classes are just a way for presenters to gain scene cred, show off, and attract play partners. If you're not straight, cis, and interested in male dom/female sub power play, classes will probably have limited utility and interest for you.

Don't go to play parties or dungeons

People at parties are, once again, not necessarily more experienced than you are. Most parties don't have medical staff on hand. No one around you cares about your safety. People will likely stand by and watch you get your consent violated because of the Bystander Effect and because displays of non-consensual behavior and violent behavior are totally normalized.

Don't go to large events

Basically every large event in North America shields rapists and repeat consent violators. They don't want you to know this because it will affect their bottom line. As much as they talk about community, really all they want is to make money off of you.

Get out while you can.

Pretty much what it says on the tin.

How do I find a munch?

Many kinky social networks like Fetlife.com will have local event calendars that will indicate to you what is going on in your area, and many of these things will be munches. Further, there is a wonderful resource which will also have a different database of munches called findamunch.com Between those two resources you should be able to find something in your region, though depending on how secluded of an area you live in you may have to travel a bit.

What books should I read to get started?

That's a really tough question to answer because I don't know what your specific interests are. The wiki itself does provide a huge wealth of information and in many cases lists how to find even more information on a given subject, either linking to support groups and/or books. Further, we have a link library that suggests various books and articles for further reading.

That said, generally well reviewed sources for BDSM for beginners can be found here.


I have questions about the wiki

That's great, check out this page here!

I respect my lover too much to ever hurt them, how can someone possibly love someone they are hurting on purpose?

BDSM relations are very heavily rooted in the notions of consent and voluntary participation, often times with the intent of personal exploration of fantasy and drama, which can be a very rewarding and enriching experience. Regardless of what you may or may not have seen in pornographic films and fantasy novels, the truth of what is occurring is that all folks involved are there because they want to be and are exploring something that is fun for all of them.

If your lover really wants to explore something kinky and fun, do you consider it wrong to do something that they would find enjoyable? Further, when done correctly, the pain aspects often associated with BDSM can instead feel intensely pleasurable, not just for crazy people, but for everyone, because the sensations are driven by the body's chemical reaction to stimulation, much like the wonderful sensations and feelings that occur during sex.

BDSM isn't for everyone, and that's entirely up to you if you should ever want to participate in these activities. If you really don't want to do this and your partner does, it's important that you be honest with them about it, and if you are considering trying it out, make it a point to do your best to keep an open mind and give it your best shot. Often times those that don't want to "hurt" their lovers can become a lot more at ease with the idea when they firstly figure out that this is something their partner really wants to try, secondly, that they learn the safest ways and best practices to do these sorts of things, and thirdly when they talk with others more experienced with themselves at length and discover how comfortable they are living out these sorts of things.

Is BDSM abuse? How could someone possibly like getting hit with things and not be insane?

Abuse specifically does not take the feelings of the other person into account, nor their personal betterment or growth, which are often themes strongly rooted in many BDSM relationships. Abuse specifically is intended to do harm to an individual, BDSM is intended for personal enjoyment of all parties involved.

It's also important to remember that many folks already practice BDSM to some degree. Have you ever called your lover a naughty name? Maybe a light spanking spice up the bedroom? What about maybe that pair of fuzzy handcuffs and that feather you take out on special occasions? All of those things, on several levels, constitute BDSM practice, specifically humiliation/objectification, impact, and bondage plus sensation play, respectively.

Beyond that fact that many people, possibly yourself included, do BDSM without even realizing it on a regular basis, there are some studies that correlate BDSM practices with better mental health than folks that don't engage in BDSM. BDSM is also no longer listed as an insanity within the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition and is instead listed under paraphelia disorders which exist only if the person has intense guilt and shame about their BDSM experiences, which has a lot more to do with societal shaming than the practice itself being implicitly wrong.

Is BDSM illegal?

It is important to note that consent laws in your area very much make a big difference as to what legally constitutes abuse or consent and it's good to be aware of the laws in your area. In many instances it's also further important to understand the political climate as well. In some places there may be no laws excusing abuse charge with a consent defense but the case may be dismissed, or in many further instances it is also possible that consent defense laws may exist and courts fail to uphold them in regards to BDSM. There are also organizations such as the NCSF which will help educate you on the laws for your area, as well as promote progress and advocate for BDSM rights and liberties as a whole.

Is it really a consent violation just to touch someone's hand/hair/etc.?

Absolutely. Consent violations don't even require touch, they can even include invading someone's personal space too closely. That said, consent violations do indeed have levels. There is a big difference between getting a little too close to someone and full on rape and there is a huge spectrum in between... and further, what bothers one person may not bother another. A great instance of best practice is to give people their space and ask before you touch them. Saying, "Hey, can I give you a hug?" shows respect for the person's preference and chances are that show of respect and help develop small levels of trust.

That said, respect their wishes. If they don't want a hug, don't take it personal, just roll with it and don't make it a big deal. In some cases others may even have certain things in place that seem strange such as "you can't add me as a friend on this social network without asking my Master" or "I have to ask my Mistress if it's OK to hug you" and it's important for you to remember, that although that might seem very odd to you at first, they have already consented to that kind of relationship as a matter of their personal preference, and if you respect them, you respect their right to choose that sort of relationship for themselves.

Can I really live out my fantasies like I've read about in fiction novels and seen in pornographic films?

Well, yes, sort of, and also sort of no. Much like traditional pornography and fiction novels, those particular styles of entertainment are generally made for escapist entertainment and may have minimal things to do with the reality of what goes on the real world.

BDSM culture has become more popularized in modern culture through these means and that's a great thing that more people now get to freely and openly explore their sexuality in fun new ways, but it's also important to remember that the things you may have watched and read may not necessarily have anything at all to do with real life, and in many cases may have very little to do with what a real world situation might look like. Then again, wish fulfillment and indulging in your fantasies can be a fun way to explore with your lover, or even a new lifestyle for the both of you.

The key thing to remember is that unlike in the movies, if you want to do something awesome, chances are it's not going to have that instant gratification element that the movies have. If you want a hot naked slave to fan you with a palm leaf and feed you grapes upon a throne, that is entirely possible to do... but don't forget the logistics... you'll need to find said slave, have the skills necessary to entice them, train them to behave as you like, have a throne, palm leaf, grapes, presumably a sunny afternoon and a nice yard, and your slave being in a good mood even though something bad happened at work this week, some privacy and time, and that who knows how long that could take to arrange before you get to have your first five minutes of that fantasy. It could take years... but... it could happen, just not instantly like it does in the fiction novels and porno flicks.

I have kids, how can my partner and I possibly do this stuff?

It may come as a surprise, but so do many other kinksters, especially since the community as a whole tends to be very sex positive. May of them find ways to do things that are kinky part time and full time, simply altering their behaviors slightly to make them seamlessly integrated and invisible with what looks like normal behavior, often called invisible protocol. Further, even people that engage in these behaviors without having children still have to interact with the public, so they have to modify their behaviors some when out in the world and interacting. They don't suddenly not have to deal with friends, family, co workers and the like, and in many cases they can't be open about what they do, and even when they can, it's simply not appropriate to force others in public into viewing your kink because many others won't enjoy what it is that you are doing and may be bothered by it, or their could be kids around that really have no business being exposed to adults only culture. Having kids just presents an additional challenge in order to enjoy kink, but it doesn't mean you can't do it at all, and many people do. It's a little like being afraid you'll never have sex again if you have a baby if you have a child... chances are you found creative ways to solve that challenge and you're still enjoying sex today, kink is no different. If you're having trouble, try talking with other people with kids that you respect in the kink community and find out what it is that they do.

I have dark fantasies of some kind, sometimes they even scare me, does that make me a bad person?

Nope. Not even a little. As a matter of fact, tons of people that are honest with themselves will come to terms with this side of themselves in an adult fashion and be happy to inform you that you aren't alone, and that it's all about how you act on those fantasies that makes a difference.

Some things, for many folks are best left to pure fantasy, and if they even did get the opportunity to live it out, would find that they didn't enjoy it the way they did in the fantasy even a little bit, not because anything went wrong, but because sometimes fantasy is exactly that, strictly fantasy.

Other times a person may find that exploring a fantasy can lead to a great new space of growth for them as a person and lead to enriching relationships and a rewarding lifestyle. There's no real way to tell except to ask if that's something you really want to do. If not, probably best to leave it as fantasy. If you do want to try it, find a consenting partner you can trust and see if you can negotiate your scene with them.

Dominants just seem like jerks that boss people around, who would really want spend all day slaving for someone like that?

Do dominants really love and care for their submissives?

How will I know if I've gone too far? What if I do something terrible? What if I can't stop? What if normal sex is boring forever after I try this stuff?

I'm all about getting kinky in the bedroom, but some of this stuff people do is just plain disgusting and/or crazy. How can people possibly like that extreme stuff? It all just seems so sick to me.

How can I make my boyfriend/girlfriend into my dom/sub?

Is it really domination if it's only online?

I'm really shy and I'm scared to go to a dungeon or play party, what should I do?

If I go to a dungeon or play party, do I have to play with other people? How am I supposed to act?

Do I have to have sex with someone in order to play with them?

No. Absolutely not. It is not OK for anyone to assume liberties, even simply taking your hand to hold without your expressed consent.

Can I use drugs/alcohol during play to help loosen me up? What if it's just a little?

Absolutely not. Which isn't to say that some folks don't and haven't in the past, however, it is important to know that when you engage in BDSM scenes you are going to be messing with your body chemistry already by loading it up with adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin and many other very powerful chemicals for both the bottom and the top. Including additional mind and body altering agents into the mix is a great recipe for disaster as well as impaired judgement and thus bad judgement calls will be made, which isn't to say a disaster is going to happen but that the chances of one increase dramatically. While in daily life this might not be so bad, it's important to remember that what you are doing is inherently and patently dangerous on some levels. Granted safety can be well mitigated by an alert, sober person of sound mind, but give that person impaired judgement and slowed reaction times and now you're drastically increasing the chances of having something dangerous happen. This extends to more than just illegal drugs and alcohol, it also applies to many other substances such as a lack of food or water, blood thinners, mood stabilizers, use of new hormone therapies (until they level off after a few months) and any other substance that will drastically alter the composition of the body and the soundness of mind. It's important to remember these sorts of things will affect the judgement of the bottom and the top and in either case can lead to a very serious problem. Also remember, it's not just about the physical safety of the event, it's also about the emotional safety. If simply having a bad day earlier can ruin a potential play date, mind and body altering substances can certainly do precisely the same thing, further, if you secretly engage in play without telling your partner that you are under the influence of these things you are setting them up for a consent violation as they did not agree to partake in play with someone under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Why can't I find a Master/slave/other type of partner?

Very frequently new folks will make a few dozen posts online after creating an online profile somewhere and then interact with folks for a week and get frustrated because they aren't immediately rewarded with the partner of their dreams. They then complain they can't find a partner, assuming the level of investment they put in to be sufficient without realizing that the most talented folks involved with BDSM firstly have a partner or several partners already, or have their choice of partners should they decide they want one because they are talented, attractive, confident, trustworthy and whatever other values one might tag them with. The people they play with, much less decide to be in a relationship with, often times spent years searching and growing as people before they found the person they have partnered with, and rightly so, as the person that they are seeking that they are wanting to be with also spend many years working on themselves, growing and becoming all of the things that now make them an attractive partner.

If you want to attract a top quality partner and you are consistently having trouble doing so, it's best to start by working on and improving yourself. Start by accepting that whatever it is that you are doing isn't working and if you really want your choice of partners, you will have to grow to become one of those people that has lots of great features that are immediately apparent and brings lots of highly valuable things to the table, and yes, that is a very hard thing to do and it does indeed take years for most folks. What each specific person needs to work on will be different as everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, however, consider the type of person you are realistically trying to attract. What kinds of things do they value? Are you those things? If not you might want to get to becoming those things if you really want to attract that sort of person. On the other hand, if you refuse to better yourself and grow and demand that your potential partners accept you exactly as is and then decide they aren't right for you if they don't want you exactly as is, that is your right and privilege, but at that point you have no one but yourself to blame for your lack of partners, and chances are that most other strangers online aren't going to have much sympathy for your situation.

What does it take to be a real Dominant or submissive, Master or slave, etc.?

What is the difference between a top, dom and a Master?

What is the difference between a bottom, sub and a slave?

How do I get a Mentor?

How do I train a slave/How can I train to be a slave?

What's a good list of protocols?

How can I be a good slave?

How do I figure out which role I'm best suited for?

Is it really cheating if...?

What should I do to prepare to meet my new Master or Mistress for the first time?

Are sadists evil?

I have something I'm having trouble telling my dom, what should I do?

Sometimes after I engage in my kink I feel really guilty or shameful, what should I do?

Why do I feel terrible sometimes after I play when the scene itself was so awesome?

Do I have to bottom first before being a Master?

What if my dom tells me to do something illegal?

What is the difference between letting a Dominant know what your hard limits are and Topping from the bottom?

How do collars work?

How do I negotiate a scene?

Is there such a thing as a no limits slave?

Is it OK for a dom to say they are sorry?

Do I have to give control of my finances to my dom/do I have to take control of my sub's finances?

Are brats really submissives?

How come no one respects that I'm a Master/slave/other role?

Often times people that ask this question are very new and are busy seeking external validation rather than living out the role day to day and showing through integrity and actions what their role is. To many this behavior can come of as needy and insecure and turn many folks off to advocating for you and helping you embrace your new role.

Further, while you get to decide what it is that you identify as for you, and you may even have your role embraced by a life partner, it is an unreal expectation that you should expect others to know all of the things about you and your partner that you do, and further, that they should have even the same metrics for judging what a Master/slave/other role is. What someone that is in their first few months considers to be a (insert role of choice) is likely going to be a very different idea than what someone who has twenty or more years of experience living as or with such a type of person. Neither opinion is necessarily right or wrong, but each is true for the person in question.

Because so many people are going to have so many different ideas about what (insert role of choice) should be like and you can never please them all, it is best to start working on being secure in your role for yourself, nor expect and presume that others should or even could accept you in your role.

In many cases, for example, the title "Master" many folks have spent literally decades living in the lifestyle, completely entrenched in things a brand new person likely couldn't even possibly imagine and they won their title through the community through the giving of much blood, sweat and tears to the concept and the community at large. As you might imagine some of these folks might be a bit sensitive about you potentially assuming the same title and expecting the same level of respect that took them literally decades to earn. Then again, others won't be upset by you assuming that identity at all, but aren't likely to take you all that seriously until you put similar time in to the lifestyle that they did.

The best advice you can have in this situation is to be secure in yourself, accept, expect and respect that others will differ in their views (and rightly so), and if you value someone's opinion, make it a point to learn what you can from them. That's how you'll gradually grow into your role, by learning and doing and learning some more.

Is submission/dominance a gift?

The concept of submission/dominance as a gift is reported to be a new concept created in the early 2000's while BDSM, as far as humans integrating sex and pain into their relationships, has been around since humans became humans. While the topic is hotly debated, if submission is a gift, so is dominance and they are exchanged (hence the term power exchange relationships, not power gifting relationships), and it's very important not to feel that your side of the equation in the relationship is somehow more valid or important, or less valid/less important; at least early on. Remember that you can't live out a dominant or submissive role day to day without someone to reciprocate that, perhaps your heart may be in that role, but your day to day actions will be lacking and we are what we do repeatedly.

While utilizing the five languages of love to reward a partner is a great thing, ultimately the healthiest way to embrace your relationship role is by having internal validation and appreciation for what it is that you do in your relationship dynamic rather than requiring external validation from your partner, so be secure in yourself and don't place unequal value on your roles. It's fine to be humble, it's another thing entirely to be insecure in the value of your self and your role in your relationship, or alternately, having feelings of unwarranted self importance in your role.

While many power exchange relationships may at some point decide to enter into a willful exchange where one role is to be valued in a greater capacity, that arrangement, if done according to best practices, was entered into by two consenting adults, each with equal validity at the time of the negotiated exchange. Further, Best Practices would indicate that such relationships should not be entered into lightly and without a great amount of experience concerning self discovery and discovery of their partner.

The submissive didn't negotiate sex with me before the scene because that was kind of an uncomfortable topic, but when we started playing we had this amazing connection... Is it OK to have sex with them? That's what they are really there for anyway, right?

Frankly speaking, due to the chemicals like adrenaline, dopa-mine, oxytocin and various other chemicals you have likely loaded into their body during that exceptionally hot scene, this is about roughly as ethical as having sex with someone that is pretty thoroughly drunk. While everything might turn out OK because maybe they were secretly wanting you the whole time and now they just have found the courage to convey it, it could also be that their judgement is impaired, they had no intention of having sex with you at all, and you're taking advantage of them while they are in a vulnerable state. For the sake of their emotional safety, consider that having sex with someone while their judgement is compromised and they are emotionally vulnerable is not consistent with best practices, regardless of why their judgement is compromised.

I saw someone not following best practices concerning BDSM like I read in all the books and now I'm freaking out and hyperventilating into a bag; what should I do?

Here's the real question... was anyone seriously injured? Are they about to be seriously injured in the next five seconds? Was there an egregious consent violation?

Best Practices are great, and you should always, always, always follow them, but the reality of the situation is accidents happen, or not, and either way sometimes not everyone is going to do everything by the book, and yes, even a monkey will fall out of a tree on occasion. Now to be frank, if you think something is seriously dangerous and there is an undue risk of injury, report that to an appropriate authority figure in the context of your situation (in many cases you can discreetly signal a dungeon monitor, house dom, or the top in question and privately indicate the best practices violation to correct it) and do your best to make sure everyone comes through better in the end.