BDSM FAQ

From BDSM Wiki
Revision as of 18:25, 8 March 2014 by Admin (Talk | contribs)


Jump to: navigation, search

Contents

What does BDSM Stand for?

The term BDSM dates back to 1969; however, the exact origin of the term BDSM is unclear. It is often interpreted as a compound initialism from B&D (bondage and discipline), D&S (dominance and submission), and S&M (sadism and Masochism). Regardless of its origin, BDSM is used as a catch-all phrase to include a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community and/or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle, and is sometimes referred to as a sexual identity/orientation.

This BDSM stuff sounds interesting, what is good starting advice?

What does "X" word mean?

How do I find a munch?

What books should I read to get started?

Is BDSM abuse? How could someone possibly like getting hit with things and not be insane?

I respect my lover too much to ever hurt them, how can someone possibly love someone they are hurting on purpose?

Can I live out my fantasies like I've read about in fiction novels and seen in pornographic films?

I have dark fantasies of some kind, sometimes they even scare me, does that make me a bad person?

Dominants just seem like jerks that boss people around, who would really want spend all day slaving for someone like that?

Do dominants really love and care for their submissives?

How will I know if I've gone too far? What if I do something terrible? What if I can't stop? What if normal sex is boring forever after I try this stuff?

I'm all about getting kinky in the bedroom, but some of this stuff people do is just plain disgusting and/or crazy. How can people possibly like that extreme stuff? It all just seems so sick to me.

How can I make my boyfriend/girlfriend into my dom/sub?

Is it really domination if it's only online?

I'm really shy and I'm scared to go to a dungeon or play party, what should I do?

If I go to a dungeon or play party, do I have to play with other people? How am I supposed to act?

Do I have to have sex with someone in order to play with them?

Why can't I find a partner?

What does it take to be a real Dominant or submissive, Master or slave, etc.?

What is the difference between a top, dom and a Master?

What is the difference between a bottom, sub and a slave?

How do I get a Mentor?

How do I train a slave/How can I train to be a slave?

What's a good list of protocols?

How can I be a good slave?

How do I figure out which role I'm best suited for?

Is it really cheating if...?

What should I do to prepare to meet my new Master or Mistress for the first time?

Are sadists evil?

I have something I'm having trouble telling my dom, what should I do?

Sometimes after I engage in my kink I feel really guilty or shameful, what should I do?

Why do I feel terrible sometimes after I play when the scene itself was so awesome?

Do I have to bottom first before being a Master?

What if my dom tells me to do something illegal?

What is the difference between letting a Dominant know what your hard limits are and Topping from the bottom?

How do collars work?

How do I negotiate a scene?

Is there such a thing as a no limits slave?

Is it OK for a dom to say they are sorry?

Do I have to give control of my finances to my dom/do I have to take control of my sub's finances?

Are brats really submissives?

How come no one respects that I'm a Master?

Is submission/dominance a gift?

The concept of submission/dominance as a gift is reported to be a new concept created in the early 2000's while BDSM, as far as humans integrating sex and pain into their relationships, has been around since humans became humans. While the topic is hotly debated, if submission is a gift, so is dominance and they are exchanged (hence the term power exchange relationships, not power gifting relationships), and it's very important not to feel that your side of the equation in the relationship is somehow more valid or important, or less valid/less important; at least early on.

While utilizing the five languages of love to reward a partner is a great thing, ultimately the healthiest way to embrace your relationship role is by having internal validation and appreciation for what it is that you do in your relationship dynamic rather than requiring external validation from your partner, so be secure in yourself and don't place unequal value on your roles. It's fine to be humble, it's another thing entirely to be insecure in the value of your self and your role in your relationship, or alternately, having feelings of unwarranted self importance in your role.

While many power exchange relationships may at some point decide to enter into a willful exchange where one role is to be valued in a greater capacity, that arrangement, if done according to best practices, was entered into by two consenting adults, each with equal validity at the time of the negotiated exchange. Further, [Best Practices] would indicate that such relationships should not be entered into lightly and without a great amount of experience concerning self discovery and discovery of their partner.

The submissive didn't negotiate sex with me before the scene because that was kind of an uncomfortable topic, but when we started playing we had this amazing connection... Is it OK to have sex with them? That's what they are really there for anyway, right?

Frankly speaking, due to the chemicals like adrenaline, dopa-mine, and various endorphins you have likely loaded into their body during that exceptionally hot scene, this is about roughly as ethical as having sex with someone that is pretty thoroughly drunk. While everything might turn out OK because maybe they were secretly wanting you the whole time and now they just have found the courage to convey it, it could also be that their judgement is impaired, they had no intention of having sex with you at all, and you're taking advantage of them while they are in a vulnerable state. For the sake of their emotional safety, consider that having sex with someone while their judgement is compromised and they are emotionally vulnerable is not consistent with best practices, regardless of why their judgement is compromised.

I saw someone not following best practices concerning BDSM like I read in all the books and now I'm freaking out and hyperventilating into a bag; what should I do?

Whoah, hold on there, fun police. I know this is going to sound hard for a new person to get their head around, but at some point, some of the rules, heck, at times even many of the rules will go out the window. Here's the real question... was anyone seriously injured? Are they about to be seriously injured in the next five seconds? Was there an egregious consent violation? If not well then chill out, put your feet up and relax a little.

Best Practices are great, and you should always, always, always follow them, but the reality of the situation is accidents happen, or not, and either way sometimes not everyone is going to do everything by the book, and yes, even a monkey will fall out of a tree on occasion. Now to be frank, if you think something is seriously dangerous and there is an undue risk of injury, report that to an appropriate authority figure in the context of your situation (in many cases you can discreetly signal a dungeon monitor, house dom, or the top in question and privately indicate the best practices violation to correct it) and do your best to make sure everyone comes through better in the end.

If consent violations and serious injury isn't what is going on, well, chances are you need to take a few deep breaths and learn to not sweat the small stuff rather than start spreading tons of harmful gossip that "so and so top isn't safe" and cause lots of unnecessary drama in the process. This sort of practice of unnecessary drama usually is just going to cause division and hurt feelings within your community and could subconsciously be a representation of your own desire for more attention. Chances are, if you aren't a trained Dungeon Monitor and are also very new, you're not going to be doing much in the way of saving lives, and instead will be doing more in the way of ruining scenes. The lesson being, avoid gossip, it's bad.