BDSM FAQ

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The FAQ largely represents a lot of best practices style of advice, meaning that much of the content is open to debate and alternate viewpoints are indeed valid, however, the information is presented for the review of someone new looking to explore BDSM and has very little information to work with. If you are new, likely it will have a wealth of advice to help get you started.

Contents

What does BDSM Stand for?

The term BDSM dates back to 1969; however, the exact origin of the term BDSM is unclear. It is often interpreted as a compound initialism from B&D (bondage and discipline), D&S (dominance and submission), and S&M (sadism and Masochism). Regardless of its origin, BDSM is used as a catch-all phrase to include a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community and/or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle, and is sometimes referred to as a sexual identity/orientation.

What does "X" word mean?

Thankfully you are in the best possible place to gather information about simple definitions and meanings about a complex string of BDSM theories; you are on a wiki devoted entirely to organizing and presenting those definitions and concepts to you!

There is a beginner vocabulary list which offers the short versions of all of the terms a beginner should probably know within their first week of exploring BDSM, however, it is by no means complete and extensive articles on those topics are linked directly through that list. Further, you can find a plethora of terms by exploring the Major categories on the side bar, and if you are looking for something specific you can use the search bar in the upper right hand corner.

If you have other questions, feel free to continue to peruse the FAQ, because this site has an extensive one and chances are we'll at least be able to get you started on your path of exploration.

Enjoy!

This BDSM stuff sounds interesting, what is good starting advice?

Being new can very difficult and intimidating. There's lots of information to digest up front, and lots of potentially bad things that can happen, plus you're still not very informed about the risks you might be unintentionally taking without even realizing it. One in three kinksters polled reported having experienced a consent violation at some point during their experiences according to a 2013 NCSF poll. That can be scary, not to mention all of the whips and chains and leather stuff. That said, exploring BDSM can be one of the most rewarding things a person might do, and more and more people embrace BDSM culture as a lifestyle every day. The best thing you can do is research it and see if exploring these things is right for you.

Best practices indicate the following as good advice for starting out.

Commit to learning and self-betterment.

No matter how old you are, how long you may have been involved with BDSM and how many wiki articles you read or wrote, you will always have something new to learn and new directions to grow in. Make it a conscious effort to be learning and growing as a person from the start and you'll be that much better off. Read a lot, interact with experienced folks and ask them questions, practice and remember that this is about the journey, not the destination.

Some basic things to learn asap:

  • Basic vocabulary list
  • This FAQ
  • Research any types of play you might be interested in trying
  • Consider if a mentor is right for you
  • Remember to have fun along the way

Consider Going to a Munch

While people that go to munches have only the minimum bar of showing up to gain entry, it is likely that your community has many experienced folks that are willing to share discussion with you about what they know and that going to a munch can be a great step in creating your own kinky support network.

Take a class in something you want to learn very well

Benefiting from the classes of more experienced members in the BDSM community can be a great way to gain a lot of the subtle nuance and hands on experience you can't gain from a wiki. Consider studying under those that are well reviewed as experts on a piece of subject matter you are interested in.

Consider attending an event

Many new folks will often meet people offline in private after a few short discussions and perhaps one public meeting. That can be safe, but has a lot of potential for something to go wrong. At an event such as a play party or a dungeon, there is far more added safety measures to meeting someone new. Firstly, most of these sorts of events have trained medical staff on hand, just in case, and also very experienced veterans known as DMs that keep an eye out for anything that might be patently dangerous or violating consent. Further, not only is there a person in charge of that, but the community as a whole is also constantly watching each other as well. The bottoms are watching the skills of the other tops to see who they want to play with and the tops are watching the tops to see what they can learn, and to police the community at large and ensure there are as few consent violations and serious injuries as possible. Further, the establishment owners also have a reputation to protect, as well as be folks caring enough to take on the risk of opening a space for consenting to dangerous activity so that people can enjoy the things they wish in a reasonably safe manner.

Besides the added safety perks you will also be able to see lots of interesting things other people do for inspiration on where to educate yourself next and things you might eventually want to try, as well as how other people enjoy their particular kinks.

Large BDSM events and festivals can be a great opportunity for you to expand your horizons even further.

It is worth mentioning though, that it's very important that even with all the added safety precautions that exist at events that you still use good judgement, vetting and negotiations when choosing with whom to play and associate with. Further, public play is not for everyone, many folks that practice BDSM or live in power exchange relationships are private and that is entirely an acceptable and valid way to live. For many though, events can be a lot of fun.

Pay it forward to the community

Chances are, if you've spent several years actively living with BDSM as a major part of your lifestyle, been to lots of events and classes, and interacted a lot with the community, that you have learned a few things that could really benefit someone else. Consider sharing your information with others, teaching a class you are a well reviewed expert on, adding some expert insight to this wiki, or finding some other way to give back positively to the newer folks what you were fortunate enough to learn from others when you were new.

How do I find a munch?

Many kinky social networks like FetLife will have local event calendars that will indicate to you what is going on in your area, and many of these things will be munches. Further, there is a wonderful resource which will also have a different database of munches called findamunch.com. Between those two resources you should be able to find something in your region, though depending on how secluded of an area you live in you may have to travel a bit.

What books should I read to get started?

Fist, the important thing is to identify what your interests are. Are they specific or are you looking for general information? The wiki itself does provide a huge wealth of information and in many cases lists how to find even more information on a given subject, either linking to support groups and/or books. Further, we have a BDSM library that suggests various books and articles for further reading.

That said, generally well-reviewed sources for BDSM for beginners can be found in the Recommended BDSM Books section.

I have questions about the wiki

That's great, check out this page here!

I respect my lover too much to ever hurt them, how can someone possibly love someone they are hurting on purpose?

BDSM relations are (or ought to be in any instances when they are not) very heavily rooted in the notions of consent and voluntary participation, often times with the intent of personal exploration of fantasy and drama, which can be a very rewarding and enriching experience. Regardless of what you may or may not have seen in pornographic films and fantasy novels, the truth of what is occurring is that all folks involved are there because they want to be and are exploring something that is fun for all of them.

If your lover really wants to explore something kinky and fun, do you consider it wrong to do something that they would find enjoyable? Further, when done correctly, the pain aspects often associated with BDSM can instead feel intensely pleasurable (for some people, sometimes) because the sensations are driven by the body's chemical reaction to stimulation, and can be likened to intense sensations and feelings that occur during sex or meditation practices.

BDSM isn't for everyone, and it's entirely up to you if you should ever want to participate in these activities. If you really don't want to do this and your partner does, it's important that you be honest with them about it, and if you are considering trying it out, make it a point to do your best to keep an open mind and give it your best shot. Often times those that don't want to "hurt" their lovers can become a lot more at ease with the idea when they firstly figure out that this is something their partner really wants to try, secondly, that they learn the safest ways and best practices to do these sorts of things, and thirdly when they talk with others more experienced with themselves at length and discover how comfortable they are living out these sorts of things.

Is BDSM abuse? How could someone possibly like getting hit with things and not be insane?

The bottom line is, if BDSM is conducted with informed consent, then it is not abuse. If it is conducted without informed consent, then it is abuse. Abuse has everything to do with consent, and nothing to do with whether or not hitting is involved. Further, the question itself is ableist and assumes that those with certain disadvantages can't participate in healthy BDSM practices.

Abuse specifically does not take the feelings of the other person into account, nor their personal betterment or growth, which are often themes strongly rooted in many BDSM relationships. Abuse specifically is intended to do harm to an individual, BDSM is intended for personal enjoyment of all parties involved.

It's also important to remember that many folks already practice BDSM to some degree. Have you ever called your lover a naughty name? Maybe a light spanking spice up the bedroom? What about maybe that pair of fuzzy handcuffs and that feather you take out on special occasions? All of those things, on several levels, constitute BDSM practice, specifically humiliation/objectification, impact, and bondage plus sensation play, respectively.

Beyond that fact that many people, possibly yourself included, do BDSM without even realizing it on a regular basis, there are some studies that correlate BDSM practices with better mental health than folks that don't engage in BDSM. BDSM is also no longer listed as an insanity within the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition and is instead listed under paraphelia disorders which exist only if the person has intense guilt and shame about their BDSM experiences, which has a lot more to do with societal shaming than the practice itself being implicitly wrong.

Is BDSM illegal?

Laws vary by region and in many cases BDSM practices can be considered illegal, be sure to research the laws in your area.

It is important to note that consent laws in your area very much make a big difference as to what legally constitutes abuse or consent and it's good to be aware of the laws in your area. In many instances it's also further important to understand the political climate as well. In some places there may be no laws excusing abuse charge with a consent defense but the case may be dismissed, or in many further instances it is also possible that consent defense laws may exist and courts fail to uphold them in regards to BDSM. There are also organizations such as the NCSF which will help educate you on the laws for your area, as well as promote progress and advocate for BDSM rights and liberties as a whole[1].

Is it really a consent violation just to touch someone's hand/hair/etc.?

Without consent, absolutely. Violation doesn't even require touch, and can even include invading someone's personal space, using certain language with someone, or expecting someone to use certain language or obey certain etiquette. That said, consent violations do indeed have levels. There is a big difference between getting a little too close to someone and full on rape and there is a huge spectrum in between... and further, what bothers one person may not bother another. A great instance of best practice is to give people their space and ask before you touch them. Saying, "Hey, can I give you a hug?" shows respect for the person's preference and chances are that show of respect and help develop small levels of trust.

That said, respect their wishes. If they don't want a hug, don't take it personally, just roll with it and don't make it a big deal. In some cases others may even have certain things in place that seem strange such as "you can't add me as a friend on this social network without asking my Master" or "I have to ask my Mistress if it's OK to hug you" and it's important for you to remember, that although that might seem very odd to you at first, they have already consented to that kind of relationship as a matter of their personal preference, and if you respect them, you respect their right to choose that sort of relationship for themselves.

Can I really live out my fantasies like I've read about in fiction novels and seen in pornographic films?

Well, yes, sort of, and also sort of no. Much like traditional pornography and fiction novels, those particular styles of entertainment are generally made for escapist entertainment and may have minimal things to do with the reality of what goes on the real world.

BDSM culture has become more popularized in modern culture through these means and that's a great thing that more people now get to freely and openly explore their sexuality in fun new ways, but it's also important to remember that the things you may have watched and read may not necessarily have anything at all to do with real life, and in many cases may have very little to do with what a real world situation might look like. Then again, wish fulfillment and indulging in your fantasies can be a fun way to explore with your lover, or even a new lifestyle for the both of you.

The key thing to remember is that unlike in the movies, if you want to do something awesome, chances are it's not going to have that instant gratification element that the movies have; there are logistics to consider such as personal feelings, skills development, acquisition of resources and time, the presence of appropriate conditions and consenting parties... and more. That said, the things you may have read about in fiction novels and movies are often possible, many people do live out wild BDSM fantasies, but the reality is, putting together a fantasy, especially an elaborate one, is a lot of work for those involved.

I have kids, how can my partner and I possibly do this stuff?/I want to have kids one day, I don't think I can get into this stuff.

It may come as a surprise, but so do many other kinksters, especially since many in the community tend to be very sex positive. May of them find ways to do things that are kinky part time and full time, simply altering their behaviors slightly to make them seamlessly integrated and invisible with what looks like normal behavior, often called invisible protocol. Further, even people that engage in these behaviors without having children still have to interact with the public, so they have to modify their behaviors some when out in the world and interacting. They don't suddenly not have to deal with friends, family, co workers and the like, and in many cases they can't be open about what they do, and even when they can, it's simply not appropriate to force others in public into viewing your kink because many others won't enjoy what it is that you are doing and may be bothered by it, or their could be kids around that really have no business being exposed to adults only culture. Having kids just presents an additional challenge in order to enjoy kink, but it doesn't mean you can't do it at all, and many people do. It's a little like being afraid you'll never have sex again if you have a baby if you have a child... chances are you found creative ways to solve that challenge and you're still enjoying sex today, kink is no different. If you're having trouble, try talking with other people with kids that you respect in the kink community and find out what it is that they do.

I have dark fantasies of some kind, sometimes they even scare me, does that make me a bad person?

Nope. Not even a little. As a matter of fact, tons of people that are honest with themselves will come to terms with this side of themselves in an adult fashion and be happy to inform you that you aren't alone, and that it's all about how you act on those fantasies that makes a difference. The key thing is that you too come to accept these fantasies as part of yourself and that you are a great person regardless, even if you choose to live out some of them in consenting and risk aware circumstances.

Some things, for many folks are best left to pure fantasy, and if they even did get the opportunity to live it out, would find that they didn't enjoy it the way they did in the fantasy even a little bit, not because anything went wrong, but because sometimes fantasy is exactly that, strictly fantasy.

Other times a person may find that exploring a fantasy can lead to a great new space of growth for them as a person and lead to enriching relationships and a rewarding lifestyle. There's no real way to tell except to ask if that's something you really want to do. If not, probably best to leave it as fantasy. If you do want to try it, find a consenting partner you can trust and see if you can negotiate your scene with them. The important thing is to try to grow past your shame, that isn't really helping you accomplish anything or get anywhere as a person, it just sort of makes you feel bad about the things you'd like to be doing and aren't even doing necessarily.

It's also important to be aware of sub drop and top drop as well, as at times shame can creep in as a part of a depressive chemical reaction in the body after you have an intense scene. Knowing how to deal with drop can indeed have a severe impact on your productivity and positive feelings as a human being.

Dominants just seem like jerks that boss people around, who would really want spend all day slaving for someone like that?

That's more of a question about you than a question about other people. Some people are happiest serving others and your opinions about how that's not for you won't even begin to alter their views. The key thing here is that you aren't understanding their view, not that their view is impossible, and thus you must learn to accept the possibility first, and then seek to understand it.

It's good to mention that being turned off to the idea of submission does not necessarily make one a dominant, however. While some people feel as though they are born with s-type mentalities and come to realize this at a very early age, by and large many people struggle with submission or surrender at first because of societal programming, and more importantly, because they can't envision what the type of person they would submit to would be like because they haven't encountered that kind of person yet and can't even imagine the possibility until it comes up and grabs them by the hair, metaphorically speaking.

Dominants also tend to have a lot more going on than just bossing people around and being jerks. There's a whole side to being dominant that is full of tons of work and personal growth and investment, as well as investment in the s-type that is serving them. That might not readily be apparent as any person can claim to practice domination and instead simply be domineering, and that is subtle line for most new folks to grasp, but one that is readily visible to those with much time practicing BDSM.

It's important to remember that people that choose to consciously engage in power exchange relationships are engaging in an exchange, which means that the s-type is getting something they have decided they need in exchange for what they are providing. That sort of exchange may never be for you, but if you want to understand it, it's best to talk with those who live that way as a matter of lifestyle and discover what it is that appeals about it to them, not only so that you can hear their words, but hear their confidence and happiness with their relationship choices.

Do dominants really love and care for their submissives?

Many and even most that engage in power exchange relationships tend to have what they would describe as an intimate and loving relationship, however, this is not always the case. In some cases power exchange relationships are purely a matter of service orientation, one providing submission, the other providing dominance, each a specific service. While that might seem strange to someone that is seeking a loving relationship and has very traditionally egalitarian views of relationships, keep in mind that these people have decided that is what they wanted and are able to decide for themselves as adults what it is that they are agreeing to. Some people specifically don't want a loving relationship. Further, many couples that don't practice power exchange also have loveless dynamics and have their reasons for staying in those whether you agree with that idea or not. The important thing to remember in this situation is that if you are considering entering into a power exchange relationship with someone that you communicate your wants and needs very clearly to them, and if love and intimacy are a part of that you need to make sure they know that so they can decide if this is something they want too. otherwise if you don't tell them what you want, do you expect that they should know to read your mind to be able to know just what it is that you want? Oftentimes good communication skills can help to decide if a relationships is compatible, and if it is, that it remains rewarding for all parties.

How will I know if I've gone too far? What if I do something terrible? What if I can't stop?

Well, it is entirely possible you are the next serial killer that will terrorize your region, however, chances are if you are worried about that, you have a good degree of empathy and aren't a total sociopath. Then again, if you are really, really worried you might do something awful, please do seek professional help immediately and do not engage in any sort of BDSM activity until you are deemed emotionally well balanced and psychologically healthy.

If you're not so worried about it once you've considered if you should be rushed to the psych ward as a potential harm to yourself and others, consider you may just be afraid about the unknown. Start by taking a few breathes, relax for a minute, and then what you can do to start learning and broadening your prespectives.

Some things you might want to do to start that process:

  • Write out your feelings on the subject until you run out of thoughts
  • Rate your feelings according to dialectic theory, analyze your results
  • Research and study best practices in what you'd like to do and learn how not to injure someone seriously while practicing BDSM.
  • Have a spotter or dungeon monitor to watch over you. Be sure to inform everyone participating of your perceived risk.
  • Start low and slow, take very small steps forward to build confidence in your abilities.

What if normal sex is boring forever after I try this stuff and I don't want to have sex anymore?

Oftentimes people that are new to kink will have all kinds of worries and unreal expectations and often may experience frenzy in which they do nothing but completely immerse themselves in the lifestyle of BDSM entirely, however, this does pass, eventually the person regains their wits, and indeed starts to enjoy kink as an aspect of their life (to varying degrees depending on the individual) and not necessarily their sole purpose for being.

Once that happens a lot of the mystique of BDSM fades away and life will resume, just now with a little extra kink. Adding kink to the mix of one's life does not at all mean subtracting vanilla sex, many involved in practicing BDSM also consider themselves to be part of sex positive culture.

What if I become a sex adict?

Becoming a sex addict is another form of paraphelia. Enjoyment of a lot of sex or BDSM, or a combination is not considered a disorder by the DSMV, however, repeatedly participating in an act that causes distress or disrupts ones ability to have day to day function is. The addition of BDSM into a sexual toolbox of an individual is in not directly connected to whether or not someone is prone to sexual addiction, however someone that is a sex addict is likely to be more attracted to the higher risk activities involved in BDSM. What this means is, if you are a person who's sexual lifestyle disrupts their regular life, kink is likely to offer you more exciting opportunities to disrupt your life, however, if you are not a person that is inclined to sexually addictive behaviors, BDSM is not going to suddenly turn you into a sex addict.

What if BDSM ruins my relationship with my significant other?

In many cases exploring BDSM with your existing partner can be lots of fun for both of you and help greatly enrich your relationship. Sadly, not all folks are able to, nor want to handle the complexities involved in BDSM, and at times this subject has been a catalyst that sparked the end of some relationships for some folks.

Consider that being open and honest with your partner and communicating with them regularly is going to give you your best possible chance for success and you may find they are even excited to get started with you! On the flip side, if there is a serious incompatibility issue, greater communication will reveal that quickly and allow both of you how to decide to move forward in a positive and healthy manner. In some cases the relationship may end, but in many cases there are lots of compromises that can potentially be had depending on the individuals that are negotiating.

It bears considering that if one person has a strong need to explore their sexuality and their partner denies them any recourse in fulfilling their needs that the denying partner is very much not addressing the needs of their partner and that bears it's own discussion and review.

Not all relationships can or will end ideally, but refusing to talk to your partner out of fear for the impact on the relationship makes it's own statement about the current state of affairs concerning the health of your relationship.

I'm all about getting kinky in the bedroom, but some of this stuff people do is just plain disgusting and/or crazy. How can people possibly like that extreme stuff? It all just seems so sick to me.

Best Practices indicates being tolerant of folks what it is that they do. Some people are likely to think your kink is disgusting or weird too, and that's fine for them, but would you enjoy it specifically if they shamed you for what it is you enjoy? While you may not have concern for their opinions, it certainly never feels good to have others shame you for being who you are.

The best part of this whole thing is, if you really don't like something, you don't have to consent to it! You never have to enter an agreement to do those things you don't like, nor do you have to make it your business what other people do in space that you don't own.

Consider that while some kinks may seem extreme to you, or even just boring, they are not for you, and that's OK, there's no need to waste the energy judging and getting upset at others for liking what it is that they like. This concept is generally referred to as "YKINMK and that's OK". It allows that others are to be tolerated and enjoy the things they enjoy in their own spaces, and hopefully they are following best practices for whatever it is they are doing. Further, even if you don't approve of what other people are doing, it's not like they are going stop doing what makes them happy for others who would condemn them, that doesn't make any sense at all.

Consider that if you don't have something nice to say about someone's particular kink or fetish, that it's polite not to say anything at all about it, and it's a great idea to treat people with respect, even if you don't agree with them on what you find enjoyable or disgusting.

How can I make my boyfriend/girlfriend into my dom/sub?

That's something you really need to talk to them about with at length. The first thing you need to do is make sure that they want the same thing that you do and are on board with introducing power exchange dynamics into your relationship, and also that you begin negotiating about what kinds of roles you would both like, what responsibilities you are both willing to take on, and then you have to agree on that, and then you can move a little further down the pipe into trying out some things you both consent to.

That's the real answer to the question that was asked, but lets try and get at what questions were really being asked.

Can you force someone to be dominant or submissive? No. Can you force someone into any role they aren't prepared to take on? No. Further, attempting to force someone to do those things is likely a serious consent violation. Additionally, if their heart really isn't in embracing the role they are attempting to take on, chances are their performance won't just be poor at first (which is common for when anyone tries something new), but will continue to be poor consistently.

Is it really domination if it's only online?

There three things you can dominate in a power exchange, body, behavior, and attitude, also known as the three powers. Using purely digital means such as a digital camera, video and chat software, text messaging and phone conversations, and even fantasy video games you can certainly gain a degree of control over the body, behavior and attitude of an individual and these are all great tools that are also often used by folks that don't cyber dom exclusively. That said, there is a specific unfair stigma that exists to those that use purely digital means to dominate or submit and never have face to face interactions with those they participate in these power exchange relationships with.

What is important to remember is that those individuals that choose to engage in these cyber relationships, even if they exist solely in a fantasy video game as fantasy avatar representations, are following their specific kinks and fetishes that make them happy, remember "YKINMK and that's OK". If it's not for you, then it's not for you, but it is for them, so let them enjoy it. Your kinks are not objectively better than their kinks.

I'm really shy and I'm scared to go to a dungeon or play party, what should I do?

Consider going to a munch first, you'll get to meet some people that identify as kinksters and find out that they too are just normal folks. Once you get comfortable with the notion that the community itself is safe you'll probably feel better about going, and remember that you don't have to consent to play with anyone, you can just go and watch!

If I go to a dungeon or play party, do I have to play with other people? How am I supposed to act?

Do I have to have sex with someone in order to play with them?

No. Absolutely not. It is not okay for anyone to assume any consent you have not negotiated with them. Further, not all who practice BDSM participate in all aspects of it. See the Chocolate and Peanut Butter Analogy.

Can I use drugs/alcohol during play to help loosen me up? What if it's just a little?

Best practices indicates you absolutely should not use mind and body altering substances during a scene. Which isn't to say that some folks don't and haven't in the past, and that in many cases things can turn out just fine, however, it is important to know that when you engage in BDSM scenes you are going to be altering your body chemistry already by loading it up with adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin and many other very powerful chemicals for both the bottom and the top even without adding drugs and alcohol to the scene.

Safety can be well mitigated by an alert, sober person of sound mind, but by including additional mind and body altering agents into a scene can one can cause loss of focus and impaired judgement thereby greatly increasing the chances of a serious accident or regrettable action.

This isn't to say a disaster is going to happen for certain when including intoxicants in a scene but that the chances of something bad happen can increase dramatically if participants are intoxicated. While in daily life having a drink and doing a mundane activity might not be so bad, it's important to remember that what you are doing is inherently and patently dangerous on some levels. Much like using heavy machinery while intoxicated, it's just not a good idea to use substances and practice BDSM because someone can get seriously hurt.

This extends to more than just illegal drugs and alcohol, it also applies to many other substances such as a lack of food or water, blood thinners, mood stabilizers, use of new hormone therapies (until they level off after a few months) and any other substance that will drastically alter the composition of the body and the soundness of mind. It's important to remember these sorts of things will affect the judgement of the bottom and the top and in either case can lead to a very serious problem. Also remember, it's not just about the physical safety of the event, it's also about the emotional safety, so just because you're not doing a heavy impact or fire scene, doesn't mean that it is a good idea to practice BDSM while intoxicated.

Why can't I find a Master/slave/other type of partner?

Very frequently new folks will make a few dozen posts online after creating an online profile somewhere and then interact with folks for a week and get frustrated because they aren't immediately rewarded with the partner of their dreams. They then complain they can't find a partner, assuming the level of investment they put in to be sufficient without realizing that the most talented folks involved with BDSM firstly have a partner or several partners already, or have their choice of partners should they decide they want one because they are talented, attractive, confident, trustworthy and whatever other values one might tag them with. The people they play with, much less decide to be in a relationship with, often times spent years searching and growing as people before they found the person they have partnered with, and rightly so, as the person that they are seeking that they are wanting to be with also spend many years working on themselves, growing and becoming all of the things that now make them an attractive partner.

If you want to attract a top quality partner and you are consistently having trouble doing so, it's best to start by working on and improving yourself. Start by accepting that whatever it is that you are doing isn't working and if you really want your choice of partners, you will have to grow to become one of those people that has lots of great features that are immediately apparent and brings lots of highly valuable things to the table, and yes, that is a very hard thing to do and it does indeed take years for most folks. What each specific person needs to work on will be different as everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, however, consider the type of person you are realistically trying to attract. What kinds of things do they value? Are you those things? If not you might want to get to becoming those things if you really want to attract that sort of person. On the other hand, if you refuse to better yourself and grow and demand that your potential partners accept you exactly as is and then decide they aren't right for you if they don't want you exactly as is, that is your right and privilege, but at that point you have no one but yourself to blame for your lack of partners, and chances are that most other strangers online aren't going to have much sympathy for your situation.

What does it take to be a real dominant or submissive, master or slave, etc.?

There is no official qualification than one simply saying that they are and deciding that is how they orient themselves unless one decides to subscribe to a path of role essentialism.

While there is no one true way to practice BDSM, it does follow best practices to assume that no one need recognize nor respect any title another possesses that they themselves have not bestowed upon them and that humility when meeting someone new can do wonderful things to enhance a potential relationship.

What is the difference between a top, dom and a Master?

What is the difference between a bottom, sub and a slave?

How do I get a Mentor?

How do I train a slave/How can I train to be a slave?

What's a good list of protocols?

How can I be a good slave?

The short answer is by being obedient to your Master as they will describe to you what it is that they want, however many that ask this question often are trying to find things that they can do to improve their chances of attracting the type of Master that they would want for themselves.

If you fall into the latter part of that statement, consider what kind of Master you would like to serve, what their values are and what kinds of things you think they might be looking for in a slave, and further, what makes you happiest to serve?

If you're not sure, pretty much anything learning any trade that is service oriented is a great way to have something to bring to the table when you are negotiating a relationship with potential Master. Consider reviewing some of the Service Oriented Disciplines and Sexual Disciplines depending on which ways make you happiest to serve.

How do I figure out which role I'm best suited for?

Is it really cheating if...?

Chances are that if you have to ask someone besides your partner, you're not being honest and open with your partner, and thus being faithful to the relationship you have entered into.

That said, what you and your partner agree to is between you and them. No one else has consented to your relationship and thus has no responsibility for your relationship besides you and your partner, and further, what you and your partner agree to can be a very open or a very closed style of relationship concerning sex, BDSM, other partners, household dynamics, and more. As long as everyone involved is happy, consenting and honest, there is no exact right or wrong way to do it.

What should I do to prepare to meet my new Master or Mistress for the first time?

Try not to over think the situation too much. If you are meeting a potential Master or Mistress for the first time, if they have very specific things they want, it is hoped they will explain those things to you in advance, especially if you are visiting a professional.

If you are meeting someone on a more casual basis that hasn't stated very specific things they would like, just be respectful and thoughtful. Chances are it won't hurt to be somewhat deferential as well.

Are sadists evil?

I have something I'm having trouble telling my dom, what should I do?

Sometimes after I engage in my kink I feel really guilty or shameful, what should I do?

Why do I feel terrible sometimes after I play when the scene itself was so awesome?

Do I have to bottom first before topping?

What if my dom tells me to do something illegal?

Best Practices indicate that you should not engage in unlawful activities regardless of your power exchange dynamic. If you choose to break the law, you will still be held liable for the crime and there may be other repercussions for your d-type partner as well such as charges of collusion, conspiracy, accessory, human enslavement and a whole host of other things.

[Best practices]] indicate it is important to discuss values and vision with anyone that you might submit to so that you know what you are getting into when you enter a power exchange relationship, and that you not enter a power exchange relationship without a great deal of trust that they would not compromise your well being, and instead would work to help you grow into a better person. Be sure to vet and negotiate well with anyone you might enter a power exchange relationship with.

What is the difference between letting a Dominant know what your hard limits are and Topping from the bottom?

How do collars work?

How do I negotiate a scene?

Is there such a thing as a no limits slave?

The concept of a literal no limits slave exists only on paper, never in practical reality. In order to ensure that a slave is no limits the only way to be absolutely sure is to put them to death and have them obey your command to die, however, in the case they were to actually follow through, you now have a dead slave instead of a live one, and a dead slave is nothing but a pile of limits, it can't make the coffee, sweep the floor and many other things a typical slave might be useful for.

Are there instead slaves that will do nearly anything that would make some people cringe at the casual whimsical mention of their Master without the slave ever batting an eyelash? Yes, there are, but they are not precisely no limits slaves, and generally those that work so hard to embrace their slavery that they can exist at that level of obedience usually have spent a lot of time doing lots of internal work, know themselves very well and recognize their own limitations, however minor those limits might be.

Is it OK for a Dom to say they are sorry?

Of course! Sometimes, accidents happen. Being a Dominant doesn't automatically exempt a person from making mistakes. An apology shows that the Dominant respects their partner and relationship and that the Dominant accepts and understands that they made a mistake and is seeking to rectify and not repeat the offense.

Not all power exchange relationships will allow that it is acceptable for the D-type to apologize, however. In those cases, that practice is perfectly acceptable if all those that enter into that power exchange relationship dynamic are consenting and can mitigate conflict resolution without the presence of an apology from the d-type.

Do I have to give control of my finances to my dom/do I have to take control of my sub's finances?

This depends on the negotiated relationship dynamic you have. Make sure when you negotiate you both clearly understand the terms of the agreement, not just concerning finances, but in every relevant area of the power exchange dynamic.

Further, a D-type does not necessarily need to control the finances, nor do the finances need to be mixed. If finances are to be mixed consensually and the D-type is left to make the decision of how they are handled, it's perfectly acceptable for the D-type to decide to delegate the task to the s-type for any reason or no reason at all. It also makes good sense to utilize the s-type well and play to the strengths of each person. If the s-type happens to be an accountant and the D-type doesn't like handling money then it might make most logical sense for them to handle the finances. Being a D-type in a 24/7 power exchange dynamic is less about knowing how to do everything and controlling every thing all of the time, and more about knowing how to best direct and utilize the resources at hand. The key thing is that every one is consenting, and hopefully happy. If that's the case, it doesn't matter if the D-type cooks dinner and does the dishes while the s-type goes off to work and is the primary source of income for the house.

Are brats really submissives?

This question assumes some level of role essentialism. In no case does being a brat, or exhibiting bratty behavior necessarily exclude or include an s-type identity. Bratting is often negatively associated with challenging a D-type for control, however, many involved in power exchange relationships enjoy these types of interactions at times and report the activity as fun, or in some cases as essential to ensure the health of their relationships. What is important to understand and discuss with your partner is what level of bratting you and they are comfortable with and enjoy as part of your relationship dynamics.

How come no one respects that I'm a Master/slave/other role?

Often times people that ask this question are very new and are busy seeking external validation rather than living out the role day to day and showing through integrity and actions what their role is. To many, this behavior can come of as needy and insecure. It can turn many folks away from advocating for you and/or helping you embrace your new role.

Further, while you get to decide what it is that you identify as for you, and you may even have your role embraced by a life partner, it is an unreal expectation that you should expect others to know all of the things about you and your partner that you do, and further, that they should have even the same metrics for judging what a Master/slave/other role is. What someone that is in their first few months considers to be a (insert role of choice) is likely going to be a very different idea than what someone who has twenty or more years of experience living as or with such a type of person. Neither opinion is necessarily right or wrong, but each is true for the person in question.

Because so many people are going to have so many different ideas about what (insert role of choice) should be like and you can never please them all, it is best to start working on being secure in your role for yourself, nor expect and presume that others should or even could accept you in your role.

In many cases, for example, the title "Master" many folks have spent literally decades living in the lifestyle, completely entrenched in things a brand new person likely couldn't even possibly imagine and they won their title through the community through the giving of much blood, sweat and tears to the concept and the community at large. As you might imagine some of these folks might be a bit sensitive about you potentially assuming the same title and expecting the same level of respect that took them literally decades to earn. Then again, others won't be upset by you assuming that identity at all, but aren't likely to take you all that seriously until you put similar time in to the lifestyle that they did.

The best advice you can have in this situation is to be secure in yourself, accept, expect and respect that others will differ in their views (and rightly so), and if you value someone's opinion, make it a point to learn what you can from them. That's how you'll gradually grow into your role, by learning and doing and learning some more.

Is submission/dominance a gift?

The concept of submission/dominance as a gift is reported [by whom?] to be a new concept created in the early 2000's while BDSM, as far as humans integrating sex and pain into their relationships, has been around since humans became humans. While the topic is hotly debated, if submission is a gift, so is dominance and they are exchanged (hence the term power exchange relationships, not power gifting relationships), and it's very important not to feel that your side of the equation in the relationship is somehow more valid or important, or less valid/less important; at least early on. Remember that you can't live out a dominant or submissive role day to day without someone to reciprocate that, perhaps your heart may be in that role, but your day to day actions will be lacking and we are what we do repeatedly.

While utilizing the five languages of love to reward a partner is a great thing, ultimately the healthiest way to embrace your relationship role is by having internal validation and appreciation for what it is that you do in your relationship dynamic rather than requiring external validation from your partner, so be secure in yourself and don't place unequal value on your roles. It's fine to be humble, it's another thing entirely to be insecure in the value of your self and your role in your relationship, or alternately, having feelings of unwarranted self importance in your role.

While many power exchange relationships may at some point decide to enter into a willful exchange where one role is to be valued in a greater capacity, that arrangement, if done according to best practices, was entered into by two consenting adults, each with equal validity at the time of the negotiated exchange. Further, Best Practices would indicate that such relationships should not be entered into lightly and without a great amount of experience concerning self discovery and discovery of their partner.

My bottom didn't negotiate sex with me before the scene because that was kind of an uncomfortable topic, but when we started playing we had this amazing connection... Is it OK to have sex with them? That's what they are really there for anyway, right?

Best Practices indicate No, it is absolutely not okay. It is not okay to do any activity with them unless you have negotiated it in advance.

Assuming sexual liberties with someone in the middle of scene where those liberties weren't prenegotiated can be likened to feeding a date lots of alcohol and enticing them to have sex with you when they are intoxicated because a bottom during the course of a scene can suffer severely impaired judgement. This practice is considered highly unethical and further, is a high risk gamble that many will frown upon even if everything ends up working out just fine. Further this kind of behavior can potentially cause you to be the subject of rape allegations, and truthfully, you might hurt someone's feelings in a deep and meaningful way.

If you are thinking sex is something you are potentially interested in as part of your scene, make sure you ask and negotiate the terms of sexual contact before the scene begins. Also, don't be afraid to stop and re-negotiate in the middle of a scene, because someone might just get turned on, too, and it's always better to have consent than to assume consent.

I saw someone not following best practices concerning BDSM like I read in all the books and now I'm freaking out and hyperventilating into a bag; what should I do?

Here's the real question... was anyone seriously injured? Are they about to be seriously injured in the next five seconds? Is it absolute that there is a consent violation happening? If none of these questions can be answered with a definite yes, chances are, it has been negotiated. However, you can still express a concern to an authority figure to keep an eye on the scene in question.

Best Practices are great, and you should always follow them, but the reality of the situation is: accidents happen and sometimes not everyone is going to do everything by the book. If you think something is seriously dangerous, a consent violation, or there is an undue risk of injury, report that to an appropriate authority figure in the context of your situation (in many cases you can discreetly signal a Dungeon Monitor, House Dom, or the top in question and privately indicate the violation and how to correct it). If you feel that the situation has not been resolved, speak to another Dungeon Monitor or House Dom, or go to the Event Staff, Security Staff, or Event Coordinator. If this action does not resolve a serious issue, it is time to leave this particular venue or event, as it is definitely unsafe.


If an event or venue is unsafe, chances are, other people will think so, too. Bring it to the attention of the community at large in a way that does not accuse specific individuals or demonize an event as a whole, i.e. instead of naming a specific individual(s), say "I saw what I believed to be a consent violation at x event/space on (date)" and explain the actions undertaken, which you believed to be dangerous and/or a consent violation and how they were (not) handled by authority/staff.