Difference between revisions of "Negotiation"

Revision as of 17:27, 21 March 2014

Negotiation is the process by which people plan a scene and involves deciding what will happen during the scene as well as obtaining everyone's consent for those things to happen.

Best Practices S&M Negotiations

During negotiation of a scene, the Top and bottom will be exchanging pertinent information. What is the mood of the scene going to be? What will the main action of the scene be? What is the setting of the scene, including space. Discuss the following points extrapolated from Jay Wiseman's work link title| here.

• The people involved. Who will take part? How much experience do they have with the activities proposed? Who, if anybody, will watch? Will there be other participants known or unknown?

• Roles. Who will be the top, and who will be the bottom? Who will be dominant (If anyone)? Who will be submissive (If anyone)? Is there any chance of switching roles? Will the participants be acting out a particular fantasy roles such as teacher/schoolchild, pirate/captive, or owner/puppy?

If there is a D/s, is there a clear agreement by the submissive to obey, within limits, the dominant's orders? Can the dominant "overpower" the submissive or use force to coerce them to do something? What about verbal resistance? Physical resistance? May the submissive try to "turn the tables" on the dominant? Will the submissive agree to wear a collar? Will they agree to address the dominant as "Master," "Mistress," or some similar term?

Best Practices indicates the first few sessions until a strong rapport is built that it is best for the top to interpret any physical resistance on the part of the bottom as a strong yellow.

• Place. Where will the session occur? How will privacy be ensured?

• Time. When will the session begin? How long will it last? How will its beginning and end be signaled? Who will keep track of time?

Best Practices: Unless deliberately built into the play, a clock visible to the submissive often detracts from the scene's energy.

• What to do in case of an accident. SM play is always somewhat unpredictable. No matter how carefully you negotiate and plan, accidents, misperceptions, miscommunications, and sometimes unintentional injuries will occasionally happen. Therefore, it's a good idea to talk about these matters ahead of time, discussing how you will handle them and how you will treat each other if they do occur. It's important to agree that both parties are negotiating and playing in good faith, and that any mishaps will be discussed in a constructive, non-blaming way.

Best Practices indicate it is a good idea to exchange emergency contact information any time any sort of intense and heavy play or edge play is to occur.

• Limits. This mainly involves the bottom's physical and emotional limits but can apply to a top as well. Do they have any relevant health problems such as a heart condition, high blood pressure, diabetes, or epilepsy? Are they wearing glasses or, especially, contact lenses? How well do they see without them? Are they on any sort of strong medication of hormones? Do they have any physical limitations? Have they history of plastic surgery or medical implants?

Any history of joint damage, joint surgery, or joint conditions such as arthritis, etc.? Any other range-of-motion limits?

The bottom must be completely honest with their dominant about limits. Some bottoms conceal information because they may feel embarrassed or fear that revealing it may cause the top to decide not to play with them. This is a very bad mistake. While revealing the information may indeed cause a top to cancel a session, withholding it may cause a catastrophic disaster that can ruin and end lives.

Emotional limits: Are there any known phobias or other emotional hot spots? Any "real life" incidents in their past that might come up? Note: Both players should understand that SM play has a small but distinct chance of touching an unknown emotional hot spot in either player. Are there any hot words and cold words?

• Sex. It's crucial to agree clearly and specifically, before beginning the session, about exactly what kind of conventional sexual contact, if any, is mutually acceptable. What about masturbation? Cunnilingus? Fellatio? Swallowing semen? Analingus? Vaginal intercourse? Anal intercourse? Condoms? Birth control precautions? Does either person have herpes? Has either tested positive for the AIDS virus? Keep in mind that not everybody agrees on the definition of "safer sex practices"; before you begin your session, make sure you are in agreement with informed consent around the table regarding which activities will involve a barrier and which will not.

Best practices indicate it is best not to act shy or squeamish when negotiating sex in a scene. The negotiations on conventional sex absolutely must be clear and agreed upon before going further. Failure to make sure of this point, or going into the session "hoping for the best," can set the stage for a very frustrating session.

• Intoxicants. Don't play if either of you is seriously drunk or stoned. Particularly avoid drugs that make the bottom insensitive to pain or that impair the top's judgment or coordination. Introducing any intoxicant not previously agreed upon is serious misbehavior. If the top pulls out hard liquor, cocaine, or something similar, the bottom should immediately call "red," get dressed, and leave.

Best Practices indicate not to use any sort of intoxicant or altering substance before play.

• Bondage. Who will be tied up? To what extent? What about blindfolds? Gags? Hoods? Does the bottom have a history of claustrophobia? Have they been bound, gagged, blindfolded, or hooded before? How did they react?

Best practices indicate that a bottom should not agree to enter any sort of bondage the first time meeting with someone in a private setting as that poses a substantial risk to health and safety.

• Pain. How does the submissive feel about receiving pain? Can they be spanked? Paddled? Whipped? Slapped? What about nipple clamps? Genital clamps? Clamps elsewhere? How about hot creams? Ice? Anything else painful? Some bottoms cheerfully proclaim they are pain sluts while others hate receiving pain, but will endure it if doing so pleases the top.

• Marks. Will it cause the submissive problems if the session leaves marks? Are marks allowable in specific areas that might be covered by common clothing, and if so, where (there is a big difference between a thong and bikini top or a long sleeve shirt and pair of pants)? Do they know from experience how easily they mark? Do they understand it might be difficult to tell whether a given activity is marking them? Do they care if an activity draws small amounts of blood? If it's crucial that the bottom not be marked, then it's probably best to avoid spanking, whipping, clamping, pinching, and so forth.

Note: Sometimes marks not normally visible can be "brought to the surface" by a hot shower. This can happen up to several days after the session.

• Humiliation. This can include a wide variety of things, see humiliation. Does the submissive have any experience in these areas? What was their reaction? Are they curious? Are these areas definite turn-offs?

Best Practices indicate that playing with humiliation is playing with emotional dynamite for many. This area, therefore, is exceptionally important to negotiate. Never surprise a bottom with humiliation techniques. Their reaction could be immediate and extreme -- panic, intense shame, violent rage or some other undesirable effect.

Remember, the less well you know someone, and the less experience you have with them, the more carefully you must proceed. This is especially true about humiliation.

• Safewords. Be sure everyone understands the universal yellow and red signals, as well as the two squeeze technique, and if a variant safeword is used, that everyone is in agreement to the word and it's meaning.

If the players will use a gag or hood, or in some other way obstruct the speech of the bottom they must agree upon non-verbal safe signals.

• Opportunities. Is there anything either person has wanted to try but not had a reasonable opportunity to experience? Is there anything they feel curious about? Does either have unique talents or skills to offer?

• Aftercare. What arrangements are to be made for aftercare immediately after the session? What about follow up contact the next day? A week later? If a crisis occurs?

• Anything Else? Is there anything else to discuss or negotiate about before beginning? Are there special privacy concerns or other external factors to consider?

Caution: Negotiate only when both of you are alert and in good spirits. If one or both of you feels tired, sleepy, sad, angry, fearful, hungry, or otherwise upset, negotiate (and play) later. Further, if you have a very difficult time agreeing on most of these points it may be best to assume that your potential partner is not compatible with your style of play and it may be a good idea to cancel.

Negotiations in Scene

Negotiating in scene mixes negotiation with play.

Warning: Best Practices indicate not to alter negotiations in scene as judgement may be impaired from chemical reactions in the body and mind. Stick to the negotiations agreed upon before the session. If you have fun with your partner you can always negotiate another scene to follow up and renegotiate the terms of that scene.

Best Practices Relationship Dynamic Negotiations

Negotiating relationships is not something that can be done with any degree of specific template as all relationships are unique, however there is a basic principals that can help negotiate most relationships.

• Trust. Relationships are based on a foundation of trust. Do not give trust blindly, nor assume that trust will naturally develop over time. Instead use healthy communication to build trust with your partner. Work consistently to improve trust.

• Consider learning the five languages of love and discussing how you and your partner can best communicate.

• Know thyself. Without a key understanding of what your wants and needs are, as well as your core values, and the ability to communicate them to others, how would you expect your partner to fulfill your needs and wants? Create a list of all your needs and another of all your wants out of a relationship dynamic, be honest with yourself when you do, there is no shame in wanting what you want in a particular relationship, and you will only be doing a disservice to you, your partner and your relationship if you can't be up front and honest about each others needs, wants and general expectations.

• Seek first to understand, then be understood. Ask question and genuinely listen to the answers from your partner. Seek to understand their genuine motivations and what gives them joy. Set clear boundaries, but within the confines of those boundaries, commit to seeking to reconcile what you want and need with what they want and need.

• Plan methods and ways to reinforce and maintain the four pillars.

• Plan an exit strategy.

• Plan to renegotiate as necessary, revisit negotiations at least once annually.