Red Flag

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A red flag is a subjective piece of information that could be interpreted as a warning sign. If encountered throughout the course of a relationship, especially a new one, it might indicate potential danger if ignored. A series of these warning signs is known as a red flag list.

Controversy

Red flag lists are often criticized because they are not only entirely subjective, but also speculative and offer insight that can be misleading to others as they may adopt a red flag list without giving it much thought. Further, the boundaries that any individual may have will not necessarily be even remotely the same for another, and expecting that they should be can be a form of Slut Shaming.

Example: One person may identify that if a person states in an online profile that they are interested in Rape Play and has decided this is a red flag because this indicates that they are dangerous and do not respect boundaries and consent and thus eliminates a potential partner because they have a stated interest that they may even not want to indulge in with this partner. Instead they choose another partner that does not list rape play on their profile as an interest, however, after finding out the hard way, the partner that they did choose does not respect boundaries or consent and did not advertise that fact on their profile in any way shape or form.

Further, another person, someone very new to exploring BDSM, may find that they are searching for a partner that is interested in Rape Play, and that someone saying that those that list an interest in Rape Play on their profile are predatory may cause them distress or to avoid seeking out what might be a rewarding experience because of slut shaming.

Common Red Flags

While the BDSM wiki does not support the use of red flags as a strict measure (see best practices below), a list of common red flags is listed here for reference.

  • Inappropriate questions or comments that make you uncomfortable early on in communications
  • Moving too quickly for your comfort zone
  • Inappropriate attitude that make you uncomfortable
  • Reported safety violations or unwillingness to follow certain safety guidelines
  • A lack of communication
  • A persistently reported bad reputation
  • Consistently speaking ill of previous partners
  • Many frequent inconsistencies in communications

Best Practices

Best Practices indicate to be thoughtful, use excellent judgement, trust your instincts, and treat others fairly when encountering them or pursuing relationships. If you aren't sure about something or someone, err on the side of caution.